But the rain is always gonna come (if you're standing with me) - surrealkentin (2024)

Chapter 1: As long as danger is near

Chapter Text

Light.
Pain.
I can’t feel my legs.
Ang bigat ng katawan ko.
Ang sakit ng ulo ko.
Guesting.
May guesting kami!
Anong nangyari?
Gising, Ken.
Ken.
Ken!
KEN!

Ken woke up in a startle with a throbbing feeling at the base of his skull. He groans in pain and tries to sit up straight when he feels gentle arms push him back to the bed he was laying on.

“Ayaw sa ug lihok, Ken. Ni tawag na si Papa ug doktor.”

Ken’s eyes flew open immediately upon hearing his mother’s voice. “Ma?”

“Shhh.” His mom runs a hand through his hair gently. “Mama’s here.”

Ken squints in confusion and looks around the room. He realises that he is in a hospital, judging by the bare white walls, the large glass window with brightly green curtains drawn, and what finally got his attention, tubes attached to his body.

“Ma?” He croaks out as he closes his eyes. The light is too bright. “Ngano naa ko diri?”

“Wait lang ta sa doktor, nak. Siya na mu explain.”

Ken sighs as he keeps his eyes closed. He calms his breathing down and tries to relax himself despite the pressure he feels in his head and the ache he feels along his limbs of which he has no energy to move yet.

He’s so confused and doesn’t understand exactly what is happening but he isn’t dumb. Something bad must’ve happened that got him to the hospital in this bad of a shape. It must have been even worse considering both his parents are here. He wonders how long he was out of it. He silently hopes it wasn’t too long considering the work he has to catch up to if he missed way too many guestings—

“Si Jah?” Ken exclaims as he immediately sits up from his bed despite the pain he’s in. “Where is he? Okay ra sila? Na unsa diay mi?”

“Ken.” His mother responds firmly despite looking at him with soft eyes. “Wait lang. You’ll get your answers. ‘Di ka pwede ma stress dayon, Ken. Calm down.”

Ken breathes out heavily as he tries to calm his heartbeat down from the shock he got from realising that his members are not in sight. His brain immediately imagines the worst case scenario where they all got into an accident and he is the only one who survived. But that can’t be true, he was on his way to their studio alone because he had visited family the night before. Justin offered to pick him up but Ken decided against it to save time for the younger.

The thought of Justin suddenly makes Ken’s heart beat a bit quicker again. Where is he? Is he okay? If he is, why is he not here waiting for Ken to wake up? He opens his eyes as the blaring sound of his heart monitor has finally gotten his attention which causes more throbbing in his head.

“Agggh, Ma.” He groans and presses on his temples and closes his eyes tightly. “Ma, sakit.”

He can hear his mom rush to grab his hand and shush him. “Ken—“

“Mr. Suson,” a new voice enters the room just as his mother was speaking which makes them both look up. “I’m Aubrey Echavez and I am your doctor today, Ken.”

Ken looks up at the woman standing beside his father who is in a blue dress while wearing a doctor’s coat. She has a nameplate pinned on the right side of it.

Dr. Aubrey Echavez
NEUROLOGIST

Neurologist? Why would he need a doctor that specific? Does he have permanent damage to his brain? That would explain the excruciating headache he has. He realises that his mouth and throat feel dry too. And he doesn't have simple body aches, he feels like his entire body was used in a wrestling match of ten rounds where he could not fight back and was left to just face the blows and throws.

"Kumusta ka?" Dr. Echavez asks which brings Ken's attention back to the situation at hand. "May masakit ba?"

Ken, at the end of the day, is a funny man despite every circ*mstance, which makes his response be a forced grin, a thumbs up with one hand, with the other hand gesturing towards the machines attached to him. "Ayos naman, Doc. Feel ko medyo pagod lang."

"Felip Jhon."

A voice that has always made Ken feel safe but also the only voice that could make him take things seriously by just saying his name.

"Sorry, Pa". Ken sighs and wipes a hand across his face. He turns to the doctor. "Sorry, doc. Ang sakit po ng ulo ko, Doc. Parang sasabog any time. At 'yung katawan ko po. Para akong nakipag wrestling."

Dr. Echavez gives him a look of sympathy and approaches the bed. "I'm just going to ask you a few questions, Ken. I need you to answer them honestly and to the best of your knowledge. Okay?"

Ken gets more confused at the situation but decides not to question it since he isn't the doctor here. "Sige po."

"May I ask for your full name?"

This confuses Ken even further but once again, he lets it slide. He doesn't know much about hospital protocol, and he doesn't even know the extent of his injuries so he decides against questioning Dr. Echavez. "Felip Jhon Suson, Ken for most people."

"And your birthday?"

"January 12, 1997, po."

"Are you having trouble seeing me, Ken? Sa mama at papa mo? Nahihirapan ka ba?"

Ken runs his vision across the entire room and sees his parents behind his doctor with worried looks on their faces.

"Not at the moment, Doc." He responds slowly. "Klaro naman kayong lahat sa tingin ko.”

A few minutes pass and Dr. Echavez has continued asking Ken questions to which he easily answers. At one point, she asks Ken to stand and see if he has trouble with his coordination and balance as well as checking his eyes and heartbeat. Ken feels uneasy at how thorough the doctor is being but he believes it’s for the best.

“Now, Ken. Are you aware of the work that you do?”

Ken makes face at this. What does that even mean? “I’m sorry po, do you mean like,” he pauses. “SB19? Like my job?”

Dr. Echavez slightly smiles at this. “Yes, that job.” He writes something down on Ken’s chart. “And how long have you been in SB19?”

If Ken was not weirded out before, he already is now. What does this have to do with anything? Still, he answers. “3 years pa nga lang kami eh.” Ken pouts, “tas nagkaganito pa.”

The doctor pauses at Ken’s answer. She then writes something down on her chart again. It’s a bit longer than the last comment, Ken notices.

“Nak,” Ken’s mom croaks out which gets Ken’s attention.

His mother’s eyes are filled with tears as she looks at Ken sorrowfully. Ken’s heartbeat starts to pick up as he turns his attention towards his dad who is biting his lip.

“What?” Ken’s voice breaks. Something’s wrong, he can feel it. “Anong nangyari?”

Dr. Echavez asks Ken another question. “Ken, do you remember what happened before you woke up today?”

Ken’s eyes move from the doctor to his mom to his dad in a rapid motion. Now he feels dizzy, he feels like there are sirens in his head telling him that something bad has happened.

“Papunta ako sa studio kasi may guesting kami.” He explains. “Galing ako kina tita the night before kaya nag grab lang ako. I assume nagka aksidente before I got to the studio and now I’m here.”

“Ken, what year do you think we’re in now?”

“2021.” Ken answers. “It’s October 2021. Bakit po? Ano ba ang nangyayari?”

Silence.
The beeping of the machines.
Beep.
Beep.

That’s all you can hear in the room for an entire minute that felt much longer for Ken. It wasn’t until Dr. Echavez spoke that he felt he could breathe again.

“We’re going to run some tests for you, Ken, okay?” The doctor says softly. “Some blood tests, and scans so we can give you the exact answers, okay?”

“But what’s going on?” Ken says helplessly. “Bakit ganyan ‘yung mukha niyo?”

“Ken—”

“KEN!” The door to his hospital room is barged open revealing a disheveled and out-of-breath Stell.

Stell? He looks—he looks different. His hair is different. He got more lean too. Ken stares at his friend who rushes to his side immediately. “Stell?” Ken says unsurely.

“OO!” Stell shouts. “Ano ka ba? Di mo ba ako kilala?”

Ken winces at Stell’s voice which makes his mom approach the two. “Stell, nandito pa si doc, nag explain pa siya kay Ken kung ano ang nangyari, anak.”

Stell’s eyes widen at that and he steps back from Ken and his bed. “Hala, sorry po.” He bows. “I’m so sorry, na bigla lang.”

Doctor Echavez gives Stell a small smile before turning to Ken again. “There is no easy way to say this, Ken.” She sighs. “But you are showing symptoms of someone who has amnestic syndrome, more known as amnesia.”

Ken’s eyes widen at the doctor who continues to speak but he hears nothing. He feels like the world has stopped and a loud ringing in his ears causes his head to throb even more than it already was earlier. He groans in pain and grabs his head to try and ease the sensation he’s feeling. The last thing he sees before he blacks out is the doctor, his parents, and Stell approaching him in panic.

Chapter 2: Your integrity makes me seem small

Chapter Text

Justin’s steps get heavier the closer he gets to the hospital room as he follows Pablo and Josh through the halls. He’s at an emotional dissonance with what he feels after getting the call from Stell.

‘Si Justin ang tagal sumagot!’ Stell shouts on the other end.

Justin groans as he rolls his eyes at Stell’s voice. ‘Ano ba kasi ‘yon? Nasa studio kami ni Pablo at Josh.’

‘Si Ken!’

Justin’s heart races at the mention of the name. ‘H-ha?’ he stutters out.

‘Gising na si Ken. Papunta na ako sa ospital, magkita na tayo doon.’ Stell hangs up.

The younger boy stares into space for a moment and gets lost in thought before Josh snaps his fingers in front of him. ‘Jah! Anong sabi ni Stell?’

Justin snaps out of it and finds Pablo and Josh staring at him expectantly.

‘Si Ken.’ He chokes out. ‘Gising na raw si Ken.’

As they get closer to the familiar room they’ve been in and out of for the past two weeks, he suddenly feels the urge to cry. The anxiety and fear circling around what happened to Ken has been crippling to all of them. More than the news, rumours, and lies surrounding the current situation, it was the genuine concern and care they had for Ken that was the heaviest. They had to face every interview, every report, and every question with strong faces to encourage hope when they were scared too.

Justin’s mind is in chaos and he feels that he finds it hard to breathe once they reach the door to Ken’s hospital room. He takes a deep breath when Pablo was about to open the door in haste but it opens before he could do so.

“Pau,” a familiar voice says softly. Tita Liz.

Pablo hugs Ken’s mom before responding. “Tita, how is he?”

She sobs on Pablo’s shoulder and Justin sees that she tightens her hold on him. “Nak,” she says after a while.

“He needs to go through some tests,” Tita says when she pulls away. She turns to the three of them. “He’s—not in his best shape.”

Justin swallows the lump in his throat as he listens. “What do you mean po?”

Tita Liz looks at Justin and smiles sadly. “Jah,” she steps towards him. “Jah, anak, may favor sana ako.”

Josh and Pablo look at the two confusedly before Tita speaks again. “He is showing symptoms of amnesia. Ang dami niyang di maalala, Jah”

Justin stares at Ken’s mother in disbelief. “P-po?”

Josh rubs a hand on Tita’s back as she starts crying again before looking up at Justin. “Jah, two years of his life ‘yung nawala.”

“Kumusta po siya, Tita?” Pablo asks.

“Nawalan siya ng consciousness dahil sa stress pag sabi ng doctor sa kondisyon niya.” Tita Liz takes Justin’s hands and squeezes them.

“Nak, hindi pa siya pwedeng ma stress masyado with major life event knowledge over the past two years daw.”

Justin’s tears fall as he blinks down at her. “Hindi niya maalala.”

Ken’s mother nods, sobbing. “’Di pa niya maalala na hiwalay na kayo.”

“What do you expect me to do?” Justin asks Josh incredulously. “Magkunwari?”

Josh sighs as he looks up at Justin pacing back and forth in one of the waiting areas of the hospital. “Jah,”

“No,” Justin says firmly. Finally stopping to look at Josh with a sharp gaze. “Walang magandang mangyayari sa pagsisinungaling, Josh! Especially in this situation!”

“Wala namang nagsabi na forever.” Josh says slowly. Extending his patience because he of all people should know how hard this is for Justin. “Just until he heals enough, until pwede na siyang makalabas sa ospital.”

“Do you honestly think,” Justin harshly sits on the seat beside Josh. “Do you honestly think prolonging this reality will make it less damaging to him? Nag-isip ka ba? O baka na untog mo rin—”

Josh frowns at the younger and cuts him off. “Mag hinay-hinay ka sa mga sinasabi mo ha.” He looks away from Justin. “Hindi lang ikaw ‘yung nahihirapan dito.”

“Yes pero dinidiin mo ako.” Justin doesn’t budge. “You’re making me feel guilty for saying no to Tita's request! Kahit si tita na intindihan kung saan ako galing sa pag hindi ko!”

“’Wag ka ngang sigaw nang sigaw.” Josh hisses. “Tinatanong ko lang naman is if sure ka na ba at ayaw mo bang pag-isipan. Wala naman akong sinabi na gawin mo talaga.”

Justin rolls his eyes. “Not so much with words.” He glares at Josh. “The way you and Pablo looked at me earlier said enough.”

“Malaki ka na, Justin.” Josh is done with this conversation. If Justin wants to be petulant about this, then he can do it without screaming at Josh. “Puntahan ko na si Ken.”

Justin continues to follow Josh with his eyes sharply after the older gets up from his seat and walks away from him.

He slumps back in his seat after Josh disappears from his sight and closes his eyes tightly. He plays the conversation he and Tita Liz had before all this happened.

“So paano ‘yun, Tita? Ano raw ‘yung suggested actions ng doctor?”

Tita Liz sighs and wraps her arms around herself. “Apart from therapy and medication, kailangan niya ng support. Reassure him that it’s going to be okay. Engage in conversations that are preserved, remembered, cherished.”

Justin bites his lip at this but before he could say anything, Pablo speaks. “Avoid stressing conversations, dapat ‘di agad agad nagbigay sa kanya ng heavy information.”

The three other people in the area turn to Pablo. “Nagkaroon ako ng time na interested ako sa amnesia. I have very little knowledge but I know about it to some degree.”

“Mag expect din daw tayo ng changes ng mood at behaviour niya.” Tita Liz adds. “We have to be patient with him. He needs all the support we can give him.”

She looks at Justin pleadingly. “He needs familiarity daw.” She takes one of Justin’s hands in hers. “Pwede kang humindi, Jah,” she starts. “Pero he looked for you earlier.”

Justin feels a lump in his throat and feels his heart race. “Tita—”

“I know it’s a lot to ask, pero, as a mom, I need to try.” She says in a shaky voice. “Baka pwedeng, 'di mo muna imention kay Ken na hiwalay na kayo?” The woman manages to croak out. “Just until he gets more stable”

The youngest boy looks at her with wide eyes but before he could say anything, she continues. "Kahit magpakita ka lang once in a while, Jah. Sasabihan namin siya na 'di siya pwede masyadong heightened ang emotions and sabihan namin siya na busy rin kayo with work kaya di ka makadalaw palagi. But at least lang, 'di siya mabigla na wala na pala kayo."

“Tita,” Justin says in disbelief. “Tita, I—" he repeats because he can’t find anything else to say.

He sees Ken’s mother tear up but hastily wipes her tears before they fall. She forces a smile of reassurance and lets out a sad laugh. “Alam ko,” she tightens her hold on Justin’s hand as her voice cracks. “Alam ko na ang hirap ng hiningi ko kaya ko sinabi na pwede kang humindi, naiintindihan ko, Jah.” She shakes her head as if composing herself.

“Pasok na kayo sa room. Tulog pa si Ken kaya bibili muna ako ng pagkain para samin ng Papa niya.” She lets Justin’s hand go and Justin feels so cold.

“Tita. I’m so—"

“Jah.” Tita Liz smiles at him. Sadness was still in her eyes but reassurance was there as well. “There is nothing to be sorry for. Naiintindihan ko, Anak.”

Justin is drawn back to reality when another figure sits beside him. He groans when he realizes who it is.

“If you’re here to convince me to pretend, save it.”

Pablo looks at him. “Tubig.” He hands Justin a bottle of water.

Justin takes it and immediately chugs the bottle. Nakakadrain pala.

“He’s awake.”

The youngest boy fiddles with the empty water bottle and doesn’t answer.

“Anong plano mong sabihin sa kanya?” Pablo puts a hand on Justin’s back. “Tulongan kitang iexplain sa kanya na wala na kayo.”

Justin turns to Pablo and pouts a bit before playing with his hands. “It’s not like gusto ko na mahirapan siya.” He reasons in a small voice. “Alam mo ‘to, pinaka ayaw ko na nahihirapan siya.” He looks down at his hands as his tears fall on them.

“Alam ko.” Pablo rubs his back. “Kaya kita tutulongan. But I need to know what the plan is before I can help you.”

“I don’t know.” Justin bites his lip in frustration. “As if it didn't hurt like hell the first time, kailangan pa talaga ng repeat.”

Pablo tries to lighten the mood. “Maybe this time it’ll be easier.”

Justin lets out a little laugh but it has no humour. “Not really. Mas mahirap nga ‘to eh.”

The older of the two raises a brow at him. “Oh? How do you know?”

“Because this time around, he still thinks he loves me."

Chapter 3: I never had the courage of my convictions

Chapter Text

“I don’t understand,” Ken lets out in between sobs. “Dalawang taon? Hindi na ba maibalik?”

Ken’s mom continues to rub his back gently. “Mubalik ra lagi na, ma okay ra ni tanan, Ken.”

“Kailangan mo muna unahin ang pag recover, Ken. ‘Wag mo muna isipin.” Josh says as he stands at the edge of the hospital bed. Stell hums in agreement as he squeezes Ken’s hand from beside him.

Ken closes his eyes tightly and runs his other hand across his face. “Si Jah? Saan?”

Silence.

Ken frowns and takes his hand back from Stell before sitting up straight. “Anong nangyari? May nangyari bang masama sa kan—”

A few knocks on the hospital door cuts him off. Everyone looks to the direction of the sound before seeing it open. Ken’s heart races before he visibly deflates to see that it’s Pablo. He’s grateful to see his friend, yes, but he’s waiting for someone else. Someone he expected to be here even from the first time he woke up.

“Kumusta ka, Ken?” Pablo looks at him in concern as he approaches the bed.

“Fine.” Ken mumbles. “Alive.”

Pablo sighs and Ken gets taken aback when he’s pulled in a tight hug. Pablo and him were never as touchy as they were with the others. He knew that the older had his back no matter what, but they showed it in different ways. There is a pressure in Ken’s heart when he feels Pablo rub a hand gently across his back. “Na miss ka namin.”

Ken’s eyes water as he hugs his friend back. “I’m sorry.”

As they pull away Pablo rolls his eyes at Ken and sits on the bed. “As if ginusto mo,”

“Hindi, pero—”

The hospital door opens again and when Ken looks at the recent visitor his breath catches in his throat.

Jah.

Justin.

“Your hair’s different.” Is the only thing Ken manages to say as he stares at Justin wide-eyed.

The younger boy stares right back at Ken almost comically as he freezes in place.

You could hear a pin drop with the way the room went silent. It was as if no one could move with the amount of tension that has taken over as the two just stared at each other.

Justin snaps out of the trance quicker than anyone else. “Ken.”

And just like that—just like that, it’s as if a dam broke and Ken immediately cries. He cries and cries until he’s sobbing into his hands, not even understanding what was happening. He fails to calm himself down as the tears continue to pour out of him until he feels familiar hands hold him in place.

The same hands gently removing his own from his face and pulls him towards a familiar chest. Ken lets out whimpers as he wraps his arms around Justin’s waist and just cries his heart out against the younger boy.

“Shhh,” Justin tightens his hold on Ken. “It’s okay. You’re okay, Ken.”

Ken lets out sobs and whimpers and ends up coughing as he gasps for air from his crying.

“Shhh, breathe with me,” Justin coos. “Breathe in, 1, 2, 3.”

The older tightens his hold on Justin before breathing in with him.

“Breathe out.” Justin says after a few moments to which Ken follows. They repeat this a few times until Ken has calmed down and just stays in the hug without moving.

“You’re here.” Ken says but it’s muffled against Justin’s chest. He knows he’s probably made a mess out of the boy’s shirt but he couldn’t care now. He’s here. Justin’s finally here.

Ken looks up at Justin and takes a good look at the man. “You’re so grown.”

Justin bites his lip before giving him a small smile. “Kumusta ka?”

“Terrified.” Ken hides his face in Justin’s chest again. “Ang tagal mo.”

He feels Justin’s chest rise and fall before slightly pulling away. It was just then that he noticed that it was only him and Justin in the room. The others probably left to give them privacy.

“Ken.”

He doesn’t understand why Justin saying his name triggers a weight in his chest and tears in his eyes but he assumes it’s because he’s so scared. And Justin has always been his person of comfort; of safety, of love. His body knows that—his heart knows that before his mind could keep up.

“I missed you,” Ken responds before taking Justin’s hands in his. “How are you?”

Justin looks away from Ken before letting out a small laugh. But Ken notices something wrong. There’s something wrong in Justin’s eyes.

“Ikaw ‘yung na aksidente ah.” Justin says hoarsely like his throat wasn’t prepared to have this conversation.

Ken pouts before moving to the side of his bed to give Justin room. He looks at his boyfriend expectantly but he must not have gotten what Ken was trying to say.

“Upo ka.” Ken says, voice small. He can’t shake the feeling of alarm away with the way Justin is hesitating with him. Like he doesn’t know how to navigate in this situation with Ken.

Confusion. That’s what he feels.

Ken gets confused when Justin shakes his head and grabs one of the hospital chairs from the side and decides to take that seat instead.

“Dito lang ako.” Justin smiles but it looks forced. “You need the comfort.”

I’ll be more comfortable if you lay with me. Ken thinks.

Fear. Something isn’t right. He knows this man far too well to think that this is a normal reaction to him.

“Is something wrong?”

Justin stares at him for a few seconds before sighing. “Nag-alala lang ako sa’yo.”

Ken looks down at his hands. Guilt—is what he feels this time. “I’m sorry,”

He hears Justin mumble something under his breath before he feels him take his hand in his and squeezes. “Sorry,” Justin takes both their hands to his cheek and that’s when Ken feels a tear fall from the younger’s eyes.

“Sorry I wasn’t here earlier.” Justin closes his eyes as he rubs the back of Ken’s hand with his thumb. “Ang daming nangyayari all at once, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Ken just stares at Justin’s face. His heart breaks at seeing his lover cry. Justin was one of the strongest people he knows. Seeing him look so helpless almost hurts Ken more than when he was told he had amnesia.

“It’s okay.” Ken wipes Justin’s tears with his other hand. “What matters is you’re here now.”

Justin opens his eyes and looks at Ken. “I’m sorry.” The hold on his hand tightens. “I’m so sorry, Ken.”

“Shhh, tama na.” Ken smiles at Justin. “Sige na, alam mong ayaw na ayaw kong umiyak ka.”

Justin freezes at the statement and looks away from Ken again. He takes a deep breath before speaking. “Tell me.”

Ken gives him a confused look. “About?”

“Anong sinabi ng doktor.” Justin starts. “What can we do to help you? What shouldn’t we do?”

“Ano ba ‘yan, Jah.” Ken scratches his head. “Ang bilis ng shift in emotion.”

Justin pulls back from their previous position before sitting up straight in his seat. He clears his throat and avoids Ken’s eyes this time. “Gusto ko lang malaman kung paano ka naming matutulongan.”

Lost. He was told he would feel waves of different emotions as he recovers from what happened. He was told that he’ll find that his feelings will fluctuate so easily, going from extreme highs to extreme lows in a span of days, hours, and even minutes.

So despite the gnawing feeling in his stomach that something is wrong. That something feels not right with Justin. Ken tucks the worry at the back of his mind and focuses on the fact that he’s here now. He’s here now and he cares.

And he loves Ken.

He loves Ken.

There are a lot of things Ken is unsure of now but he’s sure of this—Justin loves Ken.

And Ken loves Justin. So much. So much that it hurts sometimes.

So he’ll hold on to that until everything feels okay again.

He tells Justin everything the doctor told him and his parents. What to do. What not to do. What he can know and what information needs to be on hold. What support he needs. What medication he needs. He tells Justin everything.

And Justin listens. He even takes out his phone at one point to type out certain medication and time frames Ken should take. He asks questions and clarifications when necessary but ultimately just listens. He listens carefully. He listens intently.

“Did they say anything about your memories coming back?”

“Hindi ko rin alam, love eh.” Ken says after everything. “Wala silang sinabi about time frames as to when, or if the memories come back.”

Justin flinches at the endearment but hides it in a cough. Ken doesn’t notice.

“I’m sorry if I forgot our milestones for the past two years.” Ken looks at Justin apologetically. “I’m sure they’ll come back to me.”

Justin doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know how.

“But we can make new ones, right?” Ken continues, in a more hopeful mood than he was when they started talking. Justin’s stomach churns. “As long as you’re with me, love.”

Justin swallows the lump in his throat and gives Ken a small smile. “One day at a time, Ken.”

After almost an hour of talking, Ken’s parents and their friends come back to the room with concern in their eyes.

Stell looks at Justin in concern as he sees the younger boy stare blankly ahead while Ken speaks with his mother about what to have for dinner.

“Ikaw ba, love? Gusto mo Jollibee?”

What?

Everyone turns their attention to Justin. Ken’s parents look at him in confusion while the boys look at each other in worry.

“Ken, you’re not—”

Justin cuts Ken’s mother off before she could finish. “—allowed to eat junk food at the moment.” He stands from his seat and approaches the hospital bed before taking Ken’s hand in his. “Healthy food muna, just until makalabas ka na dito.”

Ken pouts and rolls his eyes. “Ano pa nga ba.”

Stell stares at Ken and Justin’s hands before making eye contact with their youngest friend.

Justin looks away.

“Just until you can handle things better, Ken.”

Stell knows it’s not just about Jollibee.

Chapter 4: The devil's in the details

Chapter Text

“What made you change your mind?”

Justin jumps at the voice from behind him. He looks up from having his face in his hands trying to drown out the alarms and voices in his head.

He looks at Josh blankly. Justin knows that Josh comes from a place of genuine concern but he is actually so drained. He’s so tired.

Josh sighs and takes the seat beside Justin in their 1Z Entertainment meeting room. He gently guides Justin to lean on his shoulder. “Sige na, sorry na kanina. Ilabas mo na yan.”

Justin sucks in a shaky breath and whimpers. “Sorry.”

“Love you, Jah. Alam mo ‘yan.” Josh says as he runs a hand through the younger boy’s hair. “Concerned lang naman ako sa inyo.”

“Alam ko.” Justin croaks out. “I’m sorry for lashing out.”

“Hmm, ‘di rin sana ako sumabay. I know this must be hard for you.”

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” Justin wonders out loud. “The guilt is eating me alive.”

“What changed your mind nga? Akala ko ba ayaw mo?”

Justin sighs and recalls what happened during the talk between him and Ken.

“Ken, may sasabihin pala ako.” Justin says after the third time Ken has pertained to him as ‘love’. Hindi na niya kaya.

“‘Wag kang mabigla. I just think you should know.” Justin’s heart races when Ken looks at him worriedly. “I mean, you need to know. It involves us. I—diba, alam mo naman na, mahirap naman na talaga since before—with the work he have, and the pressure—”

“Ha? Bakit?” Ken bites his lip. “Did something happen?”

Justin sighs. “Kasi—“

A knock on the door stops Justin from speaking.

“Hello!” A nurse holding her chart enters the room. “Just giving you your second dose of medicine today.”

Justin gives the nurse a small smile before stepping aside to give her room.

“Looking so much better this time ah.” The nurse smiles at Ken who shyly looks at Justin.

“Natanggap din ang kapalaran slowly.” Ken jokes.

The nurse chuckles and turns to Justin with a knowing smile. “I think it’s more than that, actually.”

Justin’s stomach feels like it’s doing summersaults.

“Some things take more than just medicine to heal.” The nurse checks Ken’s blood pressure, heart beat, and vision after administering the medication in his IV. She then gives Ken some pills and asks a few questions regarding how he’s feeling.

“You look and seem very much relaxed now.” She then looks at Justin. “Ikaw ata pinaka effective medication.

Justin forces out a smile. “Salamat.” He looks at Ken who is smiling at him widely. “For all you do for him.”

“Ay, for sure, sa presence mo lang, mas marami ka nang nagawa.”

Ken makes a sound at this. “‘Wag mo naman masyado pakiligin ‘yan, nurse.”

Justin wishes the ground would swallow him whole right now or else he would just burst into tears at any second.

“Eh paano ka?” Josh asks. “Paano naman feelings mo?”

Justin turns his body to face Josh completely and rests his forehead on the eldest boy’s shoulder. “Hindi ko alam.”

“Sinabi ko pag-isipan mo because I care about how Ken would take it.” Josh starts. “Pero kung ‘di kaya, ‘wag mong pilitin. Kahit kami na magsabi.”

Josh feels the sleeve of his shirt start to get wet and he feels so hurt for their youngest friend. “Jah.”

“Kinausap ako ni Tita.” Justin says in a very low voice. You almost couldn’t hear it. “‘Di siya natapos magpasalamat. Sorry din siya nang sorry kung napilitan daw ako.”

Josh plays with Justin’s hair in an attempt to comfort him.

“Hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko.” Justin says desperately. “I’m guilty for lying, but if I tell him the truth, I’d be guilty for hurting him at this state.”

“Either way, I’m doing something wrong to him.” Justin continues.

“Did you see how happy he was na andun ka though?”

Justin huffs a breath out. “Josh.”

“Sinasabi ko lang.” Josh chuckles a bit. “It’s been a while since I saw him smile like that.”

Justin pulls away from Josh. “Tigilan mo ako.”

Josh hears the pain in Justin’s voice so he decides against teasing him. “Pero ano nga ‘yung gusto mo mangyari?”

“I want him to be out of the hospital as soon as possible.” Justin says. “I just want things to go back to normal.”

“By normal you mean ‘yung halos di kayo magpapansinan unless work related or training?”

Justin rolls his eyes and ignores the pang in his chest. “Yes, Josh. Exactly that.”

“Talaga? We’ve reached even more achievements pa?” Ken looks at Justin, eyes filled with joy. “Grupo at solo?”

Pablo laughs. “You don’t even know the half of it.”

Justin is sitting beside Ken on the bed just looking down at his hands while Ken speaks animatedly with the others. Asking safe questions while given safe answers.

“Ikaw, nag release ka na ba ng solo mo, love?”

The laughter in the room cuts off and Justin looks up, startled. “Ha?”

Ken smiles at grabs one of Justin’s hands. “Solo music mo.” He leans his head on Justin’s shoulder.

“Ah.” Justin clears his throat. “Masyado ka nang maraming tanong, Sir. Kamusta ulo mo?”

Ken pouts at him. “Tanong lang eh.” He glares at Justin. “‘Di naman masakit ulo ko.”

Justin chuckles and it’s almost fond as he taps Ken’s cheek. “‘Yung totoo?”

“Edi ikaw na ‘yung maraming alam.” Ken grumbles. “Oo na, medjo pumipintig.”

“‘Yan.” Justin squeezes the hand that’s holding his. “Enough for the day.”

“Enough for the day” Ken repeats, mockingly. “Fine.”

Justin laughs at Ken’s petulance before he realises the three pairs of eyes are looking at them. He pulls his hand away from Ken and gets up from the bed. “Magpahinga ka na.”

“Jah, bili tayo ng pang dinner.” Stell tells Justin. “Gusto raw ni Ken ng sabaw.”

“Wala akong sinabing gusto ko, gawa gawa ka!”

Pablo looks delighted at this. “Sama!”

“Kayo nalang, dito nalang si Jah.” Ken protests.

Stell makes a noise of disagreement. “‘Di ka ba nagsawa kay Justin kanina pa siya dito dahil sa pag inarte mo, hoy!”

Ken sticks his tongue out at Stell. “Never akong magsawa kay Justin.”

Justin bites his lip at the exchange before finally speaking. “Sige na, Ken. Kami na ni Stell bibili.”

“Ba’t kailangan kasama ka? Willing naman si Pablo oh. Kahit sama ka pa, Josh.”

“Aba.” Josh laughs. “Nananahimik ako.”

“Dito ka nalang, please?” Ken widens his eyes and pouts at Justin. “Mamimiss kita.”

“Ang arte, Suson!! As if di ka nabuhay na wala si Justin!”

“Nabuhay naman!” Ken raises a brow at Stell. “Pero di na ‘to mawala sakin, ever.”

Justin looks at Pablo helplessly. Quietly asking for help. He needs to get out of here.

“Actually,” Pablo interjects. “Kailangan si Jah sa 1Z mamaya, Ken.”

This makes Ken deflate a little. He turns to Justin. “May work ka pala today?”

Justin shrugs. “Mamaya pa naman.”

“Pero maaga ka pumunta dito.” Ken says apologetically. “I’m sorry, love.”

Justin swallows nothing before giving him a small smile. “Walang dapat i-sorry.” He hesitates but decides to run a hand through Ken’s hair. “I decided to come here. I decided to stay.”

Ken takes his hand and kisses Justin’s palm. “Thank you.”

Justin freezes at the contact and awkwardly chuckles. “Sige na. Bibili na kami ng food and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Ken smiles at him. “I love you.”

“Ang sweet.” Josh cuts their interaction off and approaches Ken’s bed, pushing Justin further away. “Ang corny. Tigil niyo ‘yan.”

“Bitter mo.” Ken glares. “Oo na. Ibalik niyo pong buo ang jowa ko bukas please.”

Stell raises a brow at Justin and gestures to the exit.

Justin looks at Stell and nods shortly. “Tara na, please.”

The car ride is quiet as they leave the hospital. Justin doesn’t quite know what to say to Stell. He hasn’t been the greatest friend to him since he and Ken broke up.

“Kailan mo balak sabihin ang totoo?” As expected, it was Stell who broke the silence.

Justin lets out a deep sigh. “Stell, please.”

“Akala ko kasi you’d be smarter than this.” Stell says from the passenger’s seat. He’s looking out the window and not looking at Justin.

Justin sucks in a breath at Stell’s tone. He knows that Stell and Ken have a bond closer than anyone else in the band. Justin joined the two when he and Ken got together, and more than becoming a trio, he further established his own bond with Stell. They would even hang out without Ken and not be awkward at all.

When Justin and Ken broke up, Justin knew that Stell would be stuck in the middle. He would never leave Ken, but would also feel that he needs to be there for Justin. Stell was unfortunately going to feel the need to be there for both of them without taking sides. And in Justin’s pained, confused, and scared state of mind, he decided for Stell.

Stell tried to reach out to him. Stell made the effort to ask how Justin was. How he was feeling after the breakup. He even made time to visit Justin.

Justin shut him out.

He shut him out time and time again until Stell stopped.

And it was professionalism and small talk from then on.

“Ganti ba ‘to, Jah?” Stell says blankly. “Nasaktan ka two years ago so ngayon ka bumabawi? Pasayahin mo saglit tas bigla mong sabihin sa kanya na wala na pala kayo?”

Justin steps on the brake abruptly causing both he and Stell to nudge forward a bit. “Sinabi mo ba talaga ‘yan? Is that really what you think of me?”

“Bakit? Kilala pa ba kita?” Stell doesn’t back down.

“Stell.” Justin shakes his head in disbelief. “I would never do that to him.”

Stell gives him a sarcastic smile. “Good to know.” He undoes his seatbelt and looks at Justin. “But I do hope you know what you’re doing, Jah. Matalino ka naman, so I guess meron ka naman sigurong plano sa mga pinaggagawa mo.” He moves to open the door. “Ako na bahala sa pagkain, punta ka na sa office.”

“Teka lang, Stell.” Justin says when he sees the other boy move to get out of the car. “I’m sorry.”

Stell gives him a pained smile. “Sinabi ko ang mga ‘to dahil concerned ako kay Ken,” Justin sees Stell visibly swallow. “At sa’yo na rin. May pinagsamahan naman tayo”

“Stell.” Justin looks down, not able to hide the hurt in his voice.

“When you decided to shut me out, you obviously wanted me to focus on just being Ken’s friend.” Stell explains. “‘Di mo man lang naisip na gusto ko rin maging nandun para sa’yo, na mahal ko kayong dalawa—“ Stell cuts himself off. He shakes his head and looks at Justin coldly again. “It doesn’t matter anymore. This isn’t about me.” He takes a deep breath. “Ito naman 'yung gusto mo, diba? So this is me being Ken’s friend, Jah. Don’t destroy him with dumb decisions.”

With that he gets out of Justin’s car, slamming the door after him.

Chapter 5: The silence that only comes when two people understand each other

Chapter Text

“Please. Please. Pag pagod, magpahinga, diba? ‘Wag naman—‘wag naman ganito.” Justin’s tears continue to spill from his eyes as he begs the person he’s speaking with on the phone.

Ken’s heart breaks at the sight of Justin crying. He wants to know who hurt his boyfriend to have him crying this way.

“Please, Ken.”

Ken’s eyes widen at the mention of his name. What?

“Kung pagod ka nang mahalin ako for now, it’s okay.” Justin chokes out, clutching his phone tightly in his hands as he presses it harder on his ear. “Ako lang muna mag mahal para sa ating dalawa. Please, Ken.”

Ken approaches Justin on the couch and tries to touch him, but he can’t. He can’t move closer.

“Ano ba kasi ang nangyari?” Justin breathes out. “We were okay! May away tayo pero we were okay. May sinabi ba sa’yo?”

Ken continues to try and reach out to Justin but he can no longer move from his place. He tries to call out to the boy but he can’t speak.

“Putangina, hindi ganon ka dali ‘yon. Alam mo ‘yan.” Justin swears, you can hear the heartache in his voice and it kills something in Ken.

Justin’s whimpers and sobs echo around the apartment for a few seconds before he speaks to the phone again. “Love.” He bites his lip and puts a hand on his chest, as if the pain he feels right now is almost physical. “Love, you’re breaking my heart.”

Ken wakes up in a startle, gasping for air. He runs his eyes across the room and starts panicking before he feels gentle hands on his back.

“Ken?”

Ken’s eyes water hearing Justin's voice and sees that the boy was beside him the whole time. He lets out a disgruntled sob before throwing his arms at him.

“Justin.” Ken hugs him so tightly that Justin lets out a gasp before realising that the older was crying against him.

“Ken? Anong nangyari? Are you hurt?”

Ken shakes his head against Justin’s chest. He mumbles something Justin can’t decipher so he just wraps his arms around Ken in an attempt to comfort the other.

A few minutes pass and Ken’s sobs have calmed down, he looks up at Justin who is already looking at him in concern.

“I had a dream,” Ken explains, his heart aching at the thought. “Naghiwalay tayo. I broke your heart.”

Justin freezes in place and for a moment, he thinks everything stopped.

“We would never.” Ken tightens his hold on Justin. “Never, right?”

The younger boy swallows the lump in his throat and hugs Ken. He hugs Ken so tight, wishing away all that has happened so they don’t have to go through this. “Tahan na.”

“Ang panget ng panaginip.” Ken grumbles as he rubs Justin’s back from the hug. “As if I would ever stop loving you.”

“Sige na.”

Justin lets out a laugh when Ken pokes his side. “Magtigil.”

“Hindi na nga masakit ulo ko.” Ken grumbles. “Parinig lang eh.”

“‘Di mo rin naman dapat malaman na may kanta ako.” Justin raises a brow at him.

Ken widens his eyes at Justin and juts his lips. “Please?”

Justin gives him a look. “Baka ma trigger ka nanaman.”

“‘Di naman eh!” Ken protest. “Bad dream lang talaga ‘yung kanina.”

There’s a pressure in Ken’s heart again as he recalls what happened this morning. He can’t seem to shake away the feeling of worry completely but Justin told him not to think about it. So he tries.

Ken leans his head on Justin’s shoulder and closes his eyes. “Maybe I just want to know you.” He chuckles humourlessly. “The 2024, you.”

Justin hears the sadness in Ken’s voice and feels his stomach churning. The anxiety and guilt has been eating him away these past few days and he now has no idea how to rectify it all.

On top of that, he has also been always in the hospital. He’s become a mainstay in this room and with each day that passes by, he’s having a harder time saying no to requests of “staying longer”, “coming tomorrow”, and “at least until dinner”.

“What if 20 questions?” Justin adjusts Ken’s bed to an incline that has them both in more relaxed positions. “Tanong ka, dali. I’ll answer to the best that I can.”

Ken grins and rests his head on Justin’s chest. “Okay. Ayaw mo pa rin ba ng kape?”

Justin laughs at how random the question is. “Um, okay naman? ‘Di ko siya first choice of drink but I do when I have to. Especially pag alam kong di tatalab ‘yung matcha.”

Ken smirks at him playfully. “Dati kasi gusto mo lang ‘yung taste ng kape pag galing sa hali—“

Justin slaps a hand over Ken’s mouth. “Shut up.”

Ken cackles and bites the hand mischievously. “Na miss kitang asarin.”

“‘Di ko na miss.”

“Weh.”

“‘Di nga. Feeling mo.” Justin purses his lips to hide his smile. “Sige na, magtanong ka pa ba?”

“Ito naman!” Ken rolls his eyes. “Ang impatient. Ito na nga,”

Ken continues to throw questions at Justin who laughs and answers him carefully and patiently. Some questions go unanswered like “What’s your favourite SB19 song?” since Ken doesn’t know all of them at the moment. Some questions have Justin laughing out loud as if they weren’t in some f*cked up situation like “marunong ka na bang mag slice ng garlic?” to which he beamed at Justin when he found out that he already does.

They bicker back and forth and for those few hours, Justin actually feels like he could breathe again with Ken. That he doesn’t have a world of things to worry about when Ken gets discharged, that he doesn’t need to face the reality that all of this are just memories to the other boy, that this, this familiar feeling of comfort in one person, just isn’t his anymore.

“Ito na request mo, Sir.” Justin shows Ken a rough drawing of his face in a photo of the sky. Clouds on the photo in place of his lips since they were shaped like them. Justin smiled at the simple drawing before looking at Ken.

Ken grins. “Galing mo pa rin talaga.”

“Baliw, eme eme lang ‘to eh.”

Ken gawks at him. “Excuse me! Ako ‘yung reference niyan!” He fixes his hair. “Ang pogi kaya.”

Justin pinches Ken’s cheek. “Saan? Saan ‘yung pogi?”

Ken giggles, and he’s not even embarrassed because he missed these little moments with Justin so much. It felt like Justin was on his tiptoes ever since he woke up and it’s such a breath of fresh air seeing him smile like this again. Like he wasn’t worrying about Ken so much. He hopes this continues. “Ito oh,” he bites his lip exaggeratedly and squints his eyes. “Ayos diba?”

Justin lets out a belly laugh at this. It’s the most beautiful sound Ken has heard in a while. “Ewan ko sa’yo.”

“Love mo pa rin naman ako.” Ken says, a matter-of-factly.

Something changes in Justin’s eyes, only for a split second, you would miss it if you weren’t looking hard enough. If you haven’t spent years looking into his eyes, staring at them happy, hating them looking sad, adoring when they’re tired—but Ken has. Ken has spent so many years of looking into Justin’s eyes that he could never miss it. He saw that split-second.

And there it is again, that worry, that gut feeling. Something’s not right.

“I love you, Jah.” Ken says softly. Hoping that he hears a response that takes this feeling away.

Justin looks taken aback at the random statement. He bites his lip before taking one of Ken’s hands. He pulls the boy into his hold and plants a kiss on Ken’s forehead.

It’s not a response, but for today, Ken thinks, maybe this is enough.

“Ay si Ken, ang kulit.”

It’s been a few days since his nightmare, and Ken hasn’t had one again, for which he’s thankful. He has been in such a good mood lately and he thought it was progress but he doesn’t know why he feels petulant today. He was told that it’s normal to have extra heightened emotions and mood swings but he has kept them in control since he woke up. Today just isn’t one of those days. And Justin isn’t helping.

“Ang panget nga ng lasa, ayaw ko.”

Justin sighs for the umpteenth time that day. “Kailangan mo ‘to para gumaling ka.”

“Ayaw ko nga.”

“You’re being childish.”

Ken scoffs. “Edi ako na immature. Sorry ha.”

Justin approaches Ken on the bed, setting aside the glass he’s holding carefully. “Ano ba ‘yung issue?

“Panget ng lasa ng drink na ‘yan.” Ken repeats. “’Di naman ‘yan medication eh, supplement lang to help sa immune system.” Tsaka, aalis ka after ko inumin ‘yan. Ken thinks.

“Would it help if I drank half of it?”

Ken raises an eyebrow at Justin. “Ha?”

“Para hindi ka mag-isa,” Justin explains. “I’ll drink half of it if you promise to drink the rest.”

“Ang panget ng lasa niyan, ayaw mo for sure.” Ken continues to protest.

Justin takes the glass from the bedside table and takes a sip.

“Jah!”

Justin winces when the bitter liquid touches his tongue. He sticks his tongue out in disgust. Ang panget nga ng lasa.

“I told you!” Ken can’t help but chuckle at Justin’s reaction. “Oh, naniwala ka na.”

Justin rolls his eyes at Ken before drinking the liquid slowly. He looks at Ken pointedly after consuming half of it.

Ken pouts. “’Di ako nag agree sa deal!”

“Edi ako na uubos, sayang din.”

“Akin na nga!” Ken laughs, petulance completely out of the picture now. “Akin na, love.”

Justin grins at him triumphantly when he sees Ken drink from the glass until he finishes the supplement.

“Now, mahirap ba ‘yon?”

Ken rolls his eyes and pokes Justin’s side repeatedly making the younger boy squirm.

“Ken Suson ha!” Justin exclaims when he continues to poke him. “Isa!”

“Dalawa!” Ken laughs. “Marunong din ako magbilang!”

Justin grabs both of Ken’s hands and tightens his grip on them while laughing.

“Ang daya mo, injured ako eh.” Ken whines at Justin. He tries to pull his hands away from the younger boy but Justin wasn’t ready for the sudden amount of strength Ken exerted which had him falling toward Ken’s direction leaving very little distance between their faces.

Ken holds his breath with how close Justin’s face is to his. It’s crazy because this is his boyfriend, this shouldn’t be some monumental feeling. He’s been this close so many times. Even closer for even more. But something about this moment feels different. Justin looks unguarded for the first time in so long, the look in his eyes is stripped of the worry Ken has seen so much, he looks calm, he looks—happy.

Ken leans in slowly, trying to gauge if what he’s doing is okay. Justin has never shown any advances more than accepting Ken's hand-holding and hugging which Ken understands, considering they’re careful about triggers. But when Justin doesn’t pull away this time, Ken gets encouraged and moves even closer without breaking eye contact, he’s so, so close he can almost feel Justin’s breath on his lips. He sees Justin close his eyes and takes a silent breath before moving to close the gap between them.

Bang!

Justin jumps back from their position and falls to the floor of the hospital room. Ken hears a loud thud and a curse from him before turning to where the sound came from.

“Um, sorry?” Josh appears from the door with Stell in tow. “Are we interrupting something?”

Ken rubs a hand across his face in frustration before looking at Justin who is just getting up from the floor.

“No.” Justin answers quickly. “Aalis na sana ako, pinatapos ko lang si Ken sa supplement niya.”

“Sabi ni Pablo, 3pm ‘yung meeting niyo ah.” Josh looks at Justin accusingly.

Justin shakes his head at Josh. Ken sees his face flushed and his eyes panicked.

“2:30 pa naman, aabot ka, love.” Ken attempts to comfort him.

Justin looks at Ken and while still looking scared, his eyes soften. It melts something in Ken.

“Lagay muna namin ang mga gamit namin dito, Jah, Ken.” Stell says. “Bili muna kami ng pagkain sa baba.”

“Ha? Diba kakakain lang natin?” Josh wonders but Stell pulls him out of the room before he could protest further.

Ken looks at Justin worriedly as he sees the other boy look down at his feet, fidgeting with his hands. “Love? I’m sorr—"

Justin turns to him and shakes his head. He approaches Ken’s bed, “I have to go.” he runs a hand through Ken’s hair. He’s been doing that a lot, the forehead kisses too.

“I love you, Jah.” Ken says, hoping he gets a response today.

Justin stares at Ken’s face for a few seconds but it feels like hours in Ken’s mind. It feels like Justin is looking at his entire being, his soul and it makes Ken want to cover himself up as he feels vulnerable for saying I love you so many times without getting a response. He wants to look away but Justin has always captivated him no matter what he did. It almost feels like a crime to look away from him now. And when he hears Justin's next words, he understands why.

“I love you too, Ken.”

Chapter 6: I would die for you in secret

Chapter Text

Justin continues to heave out belches as he rubs a hand across his chest trying to calm down his vomiting. After a rushed goodbye to Ken from his room, he ran straight to the toilets to empty his stomach from everything he’d eaten that day.

When he feels that he has no more left to regurgitate, he flushes the toilet and runs to the sink. He hates vomiting. He cups a hand under the flowing water of the tap and gargles more than once to wash away the taste of throwing up from his mouth. He washes his hands for good measure before splashing water on his face to calm himself down.

The door to the restrooms slams open which causes Justin to jump.

“Okay ka lang?” Stell.

Justin looks at Stell blankly before turning to get some paper towels to wipe his face.

“Jah.”

Justin sighs and crumples up the piece of paper towel before discarding it in the bin. “Stell, alam kong galit ka at nasasaktan ka.” His lip wobbles, he hopes Stell takes it easy on him today. His emotions have been all over the place recently and he hasn’t been sleeping well. “Pwede ba sa ibang araw mo nalang ako pagsabihan?” Justin practically begs in a shaky voice. He takes his hands together and holds them tightly while looking down at the floor.

He feels his throat constricting and he tries to let out little gasps of air in an attempt to stabilize his breathing. Justin feels trapped as his mind makes him think that the walls of the restroom are closing up on him, caging him in. He doesn’t know if he has anything left to vomit, but he feels his stomach churning again. He leans his weight on the sink that is closest to him and tries to ask for help but he can only seem to let out harsh gasps.

Justin jumps and almost falls over when Stell takes both his hands and slowly pulls him towards himself.

“You're okay. Andito ako, Jah. You're okay.”

Justin lets out a shaky breath before closing his eyes. He wants to say something but his throat continues to betray him and he ends up hyperventilating instead. He feels a tingling sensation in his fingers before they run to his hands and then to his arms and legs. He doesn't know how but Stell manages to guide him out of the restroom and lead him to one of the quiet rooms in the hospital. Stell held Justin by his side before seating them together on the couch.

"Take your time." He hears Stell say. "Breathe, Jah."

They continue to breathe in and out for a few moments until Justin’s breathing evens out and Stell loosens his hold. Justin closes his eyes and slumps on the couch while slowly closing and opening his palms repeatedly to shake off the numbing sensation.

“Sorry.” Justin says in a soft voice before wiping the sweat off his hands on his jeans.

He hears Stell sigh before he’s pulled into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

Justin feels his heart squeezed and he doesn’t understand how he can still manage to cry after all the crying he’s done lately. He feels spent. And he’s so, so tired.

“Hindi ako dapat dumagdag sa inisip mo.” Stell explains without pulling away. “May oras para sa lahat, at hindi ito ang tamang oras para doon.”

Justin sniffles in response. He doesn’t even have the energy to tell Stell that he doesn’t have anything to be sorry for. Justin doesn’t deserve the apology.

“You have enough on your plate.”

“I’m making the bed.” Justin lets out a breath. “Kasalanan ko rin naman ba’t umabot sa ganito.”

Stell looks at him sadly. “Jah, serious na.” This is the softest Stell has been with him since Ken woke up. Justin missed this so much. “Kailangan mo na talaga sabihin ang totoo.”

“I know.”

“Not just for Ken.” Stell looks at Justin empathetically. “Alam ko na maraming nagbago, pero kita ko 'to. Nahihirapan ka na.”

Justin shakes his head. “Hindi ako ‘yung na aksidente.”

“Well, it sure looks like it," Stell says pointedly. "Natutulog ka pa ba? Kumakain ka pa ba?”

Justin frowns at Stell and the older boy gives him a look that dares him to disagree. Justin doesn’t.

“Hindi mo na nga inaalagaan ang sarili mo, pinabayaan mo pa.” Stell explains. “Prolonging this will only make it worse.”

“Paano ko ba kasi bawiin lahat?” Justin bites his lip in frustration. “Hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko.” He presses the palms of his hands on his eyes. “’Di ko na alam, Stell.”

Stell looks like he’s about to answer when his phone alerts him with a message. He looks up at Justin a moment later, a worried look on his face.

"Parang kailangan na natin alamin, Jah."

Justin looks at him confusedly.

“Pwede na raw ma discharge si Ken in two days.”

“Freedom!” Ken sings when they cut off his identification band while they wait for their ride home in the hospital's parking area.

All four boys looked at him confusedly because it sounded like their freedom.

“Paano mo nalaman ‘yan?”

Ken turns to Pablo confusedly. “Ang alin?”

“’Yung kanta.” Josh adds. “’Yung kinanta mo ngayon.”

“Anong kanta? ‘Yung freedom?” Ken laughs. “Ewan, na stuck sa utak ko ‘yung tono na ‘yan since kahapon pa. Kanta pala ‘yan?

Stell ruffles Ken’s hair. “Kanta natin para sa fans.”

“Talaga?” Ken asks eagerly. “Baka unti unti na ring bumalik sakin lahat.”

“One step at a time.” Josh throws an arm over Ken’s shoulders. “’Wag ma pressure.”

Justin looks at Ken from where he’s hoisting up a duffle bag filled with the boy's essentials on one hand, and a paper bag full of food that Ken's mother cooked for them to take home. He smiles a little when he sees Ken’s beaming face as he laughs with Josh. They're all waiting for their pick-up as they've planned to spend the next few nights at Justin's family's rest house away from the city. Ken verbalized his nerves about returning to his condo when he doesn't know much about living there yet since the accident. Everyone agreed that it was best to take a break from work and have Ken relax before he has to relearn everything he doesn't remember yet.

Pablo bumps his shoulder against Justin's to get his attention.

"Ano?" Justin turns to Pablo, annoyed.

The leader of the group purses his lips, gesturing towards the others' direction. "Kailan?"

Justin sighs and looks at him exasperatedly. "Pwede ba umalis muna tayo sa ospital? 'Di pa nga tayo nakaalis sa parking eh."

"'Wag mo na patagalin." Pablo says sternly. "You deserve freedom from the lies. And He deserves the truth."

Pablo walks away without hearing an answer from Justin and the younger boy is only left to follow after him in deep thought.

"Hi." Ken snaps Justin out of his reverie by grabbing his hand. "Okay ka lang?"

"Hmm." Justin gives him a small smile. "Ikaw ba?"

Ken grins. "I'm just excited na makaalis na dito."

Justin squeezes the hand holding his and nods. "Me too, Ken. Me too."

The quiet of the morning gives Justin time to think about everything that has happened over the past month. He looks around the dining room of his family's rest house and ponders on the night before from when they arrived from the hospital.

Welcome Back, Ken!

Justin sees Ken's eyes glisten as he runs his eyes along the banner strung along the wall of the dining room in the de Dios family's rest house. A lot of people from 1Z wanted to be there to celebrate with them but decided not to in case Ken could still get overwhelmed with all the emotions and information all at once.

"Thank you," Ken says, a little bit choked up as they were all sitting around the dining table eating dinner. "Salamat na 'di niyo ako iniwan."

"Wala naman kaming choice." Stell teases.

Ken rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at Stell. "I mean, salamat na hindi niyo hinayaan na pagdadaanan ko 'tong lahat ng ito na mag-isa."

Justin looks down at his barely touched plate and moves the food around as his mind floats around aimlessly.

“Jah?”

Justin gets startled by Ken’s voice that he accidentally drops his fork. “Ha? Sorry.”

“Is there something bothering you?” Ken looks at him in concern. “Pagod ka ba?”

Justin shakes his head. “I’m okay. Kain ka pa.”

Ken frowns at him. “Ikaw nga ‘yung di kumakain ng maayos dyan. Here.” He twirls some of his pasta on his fork and moves closer to feed Justin.

Justin forces out a smile before eating the food held out to him. He slowly chews and looks down at his plate again.

“Hey.” Ken places a hand on Justin’s chin and tilts his head up so they can look at each other. “Gusto mo na ba magpahinga? Busog na rin naman ako.”

Justin tightens his grip on the glass of water he’s holding as he recalls his chances to tell Ken the truth.

“Okay lang nga ako, I swear.” Justin tries to pull away from Ken who is pulling him towards the bedroom.

Ken makes a noise of protest before opening the door and pushing Justin inside. “You don’t look okay.”

Justin shakes his head. “Pagod lang ako but I’m okay. Sige na, let’s spend more time muna with them.”

Ken pouts at Justin and sighs. “Sige, baba ka na dun. Dito lang muna ako.”

“Ha?”

Ken looks at Justin sheepishly. “Ako talaga ‘yung pagod.” He sits on the bed. “‘Di ako masyado nakatulog kagabi, ewan, parang kinabahan ako na excited.”

“Ken.”

Ken looks guilty. “Eh kasi naman, ayaw ko rin maging party pooper. Para sakin ‘yung dinner at get together tas ako ‘yung mag pagod pagod.”

Justin sighs and shakes his head fondly. “Maiintindihan naman namin.” He sits beside Ken on the bed. “Sige na, mag-ayos ka na para makapagpahinga ka.”

Ken nods and makes his way to the bathroom to clean up for bed. “Wait, dito ka mag sleep? Tabi tayo?”

Justin bites his lip and would’ve decided against it if it weren’t for Ken pouting and widening his eyes. Two years ago or today, accident or not, he still couldn't say no to that. “Sige na. Oo na.”

“Yay!” Ken rushes back to Justin’s side before kissing his cheek quickly. “Thank you. Mabilis lang ako.”

Justin takes a deep breath and promises to tell the truth today. He’s not going to delay it any longer. He needs to stop lying to Ken. He needs to stop lying to himself too.

“Justin.”

Justin closes his eyes without turning to the voice who entered the room.

“‘Ayos na ba? ‘Di naman kayo lumabas kagabi. Na explain mo ng maayos?” Pablo asks eagerly.

“Paano mo na explain?” Josh, who was trailing behind Pablo, adds as he pours himself a cup of coffee. “‘Di naman sa gusto namin, pero we expected the worst.”

Justin slumps back on the dining chair, readying himself for the reactions when he says he that, no, he hasn’t told the truth yet. “Um.”

“Justin naman.” Pablo reprimands. “Chance na ‘yon kagabi eh. I thought everyone was on the same page.”

“Pagod daw kasi siya—“

Josh cuts him off. “Nakikinig naman ‘yon sa’yo. Did you try?”

Justin looks at Josh incredulously. Feeling a bit betrayed and ganged up on. “Anong ibig mong sabihin? Hindi naman kasi ganon kadali ‘yon.”

“Hindi madali pero magawan ng paraan ‘yon kung gusto mo talaga.” Pablo interjects. “Akala mo ba gusto namin na pinipressure ka? Gusto lang naman namin na makahinga ka na ah.” He grabs a seat so he can look at Justin properly. “Ano ba ‘yung main issue? Ba't di mo masabi?”

Justin shakes his head. He starts to feel himself choking up but doesn't want to cry in front of them. He wanted to tell Ken last night, but things didn’t go his way. “Walang issue. It was bad timing because he was tired. I’m going to tell him nga.”

Josh looks at Justin as he sips his coffee and it annoys Justin to no end.

“Oo na! Ako na ‘yung mali.”

Pablo calms himself down when he hears Justin’s voice break. His gaze softens and he places a hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Walang mali, sorry na.”

“Thinking about how to start the conversation is already hard enough,” Justin explains as he fiddles with the design of the glass he’s holding. “Dagdag mo pa na kakalabas lang niya sa ospital. And has it ever occurred sa inyo na takot na takot din ako?”

“Nandito kami.” Josh attempts to comfort Justin. “We’ll help explain.”

Justin scoffs at this as he wipes his face in frustration. “Paano? Tulongan niyo ako gumawa ng script? Ito working draft ko, ‘Uy Ken, alam mo ba, matagal na talaga tayong break! Kaso, ang sensitive mo pa raw after the accident kaya para hindi ma compromise ‘yung recovery mo, I had to lie and pretend that we were still together!’”

The built up frustration and fear has sent Justin on a tangent. “Nakailang chance ako na sabihin sa’yo ‘yung totoo, kaso nangunguna ‘yung takot ko. Takot na magalit ka, takot kung ma paano ka.” Justin breathes out heavily. “’Ano? Ayos ba? Satisfying enough? Straight to the point and direct diba?” Justin looks at the two older men in front of him expectantly.

But Josh and Pablo aren’t looking at him.

Justin's heart sank when he realised what was happening. Tears immediately welled up in his eyes as he turned toward where the other two were looking.

A mix of shock and hurt was seen all over Ken's face as he stared at Justin wide-eyed. "Jah?"

Chapter 7: But I'm a fire

Chapter Text

“’Di ba sapat na nag walk out ako to imply that I don’t want to talk?” Ken snaps at whoever came into the room without looking away from the ceiling as he lays on the bed.

“The unlocked door says otherwise.”

Ken bites his lip when he hears that it’s Pablo’s voice. He expected more from Pablo since he’s always been wise beyond his years. Ken looked up to him so much which is probably why he feels a bit more betrayed that Pablo allowed the lies to continue as long as it did. He can’t believe everyone did, honestly.

“Ken.”

The softness in Pablo’s voice annoys Ken because he’s not going to lead Ken into thinking that he should be the one who feels bad right now.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Ken deadpans as he sits up, still not looking at the other boy. “I don’t want to talk to any of you. Sira ‘yung lock sa lumang bahay na ‘to.” He thinks he’s earned the right to be petty.

“Two weeks,” Pablo says. “You were unconscious for two weeks, running three. The accident was pretty bad on you kasi sa side mo bumangga ‘yung kabilang kotse.”

Ken glares at Pablo for not taking the hint and leaving. “Anong gusto mong gawin ko sa impormasyon na ‘yan?”

“Sa bawat araw na ‘di ka pa gumising, sabi ng doctor na lumiliit ang chances na gigising ka pa.” Pablo takes a deep breath before looking directly at Ken. “A few more weeks and they would’ve considered classifying you to be in a continuing vegetative state.”

Ken bites his lip and looks down to the floor. He didn’t know that.

“Every call we received sa mga araw na ‘yon from anyone who knew about your situation was hope to us.” Pablo continues. “Pero ‘nung lumagpas na ng isa’t kalahating linggo, takot na ‘yung dala ng mga tawag.”

Pablo moves from where he’s standing and pulls the seat from the bedroom desk to sit on. Like he doesn’t have the strength to stand as he speaks about that time.

“’Nung tumawag si Stell, nasa meeting kaming tatlo ni Josh at Jah.” Pablo runs a hand through his hair. “We were speaking to a business partner, coming clean na sa kung ano ‘yung sitwasyon natin. Matagal na ‘tong meeting na schedule, laging na move ‘to because none of us wanted to go back to work without you.”

Ken gives Pablo a look. As if asking him if that’s a good enough excuse to allow what happened.

“’Nung nagising ka, ‘di namin alam anong i-expect. We thought it’d be hard, but not this hard.”

Ken rolls his eyes and lays back down on the bed. He turns to face the wall away from Pablo.

“After knowing na you lost consciousness after knowing your state, and how delicate you were, ayaw naming dumagdag sa pinagdaanan mo.” Pablo explains further. “Kaya when we were told that it would be best to withhold the changes that happened within the two years as you were recovering, we complied.” Pablo continues despite Ken’s actions. “But it came with needing to hide yours and Justin’s break up.”

Ken closes his eyes at the mention of Justin’s decision. He feels a pang in his chest and wetness behind his eyes.

“Initially, ayaw niya.”

Ken shook his head in frustration. “Tama na. I don’t want to hear it.”

“He didn’t want to lie to you, Ken.”

“Ano ba?” Ken sits up in anger. “Nangyari na ang nangyari. Please leave me alone.”

Pablo looks down at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” Ken says pointedly. “You all should be. ‘Yun lang, no excuses, sorry lang. Mas okay pa.”

Pablo he looks at Ken apologetically. “I didn’t mean for it to become excuses. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na walang may gusto na magsinungaling sa’yo, sa maniwala ka at sa hindi, Ken. Ayaw namin na nahihirapan ka.”

Ken feels his heartache when the tears finally fall. “Nahihirapan ako ngayon, Pablo.”

Pablo goes to say more but Ken cuts him off. “Please. Kung gusto mo talaga maging okay ako, just leave.”

Ken sees Pablo’s eyes water before he nods slowly and gets up from his seat. He walks to the door and is set to leave when Ken speaks again.

“Sabihan mo ako pag andito na sundo ko. Salamat.”

After hearing the door close, Ken closes his eyes and tries not to think about what transpired earlier. He fails miserably.

“Jah?” Ken sees Justin’s face pale when he turned to him.

There is a ringing in Ken’s ears and it feels as if the world had stopped moving when he heard the conversation that happened in the dining room.

“Anong sabi mo?” Ken asks again, voice breaking through his words.

“Ken.”

Ken shakes his head as tears roll down his eyes. “Hiwalay na tayo? Gaano na ka tagal?”

“Ken, upo ka mun—”

“Sagutin mo, Justin!” Ken snaps out. “Hiwalay na ba tayo?”

Ken sees Justin swallow before closing his eyes tightly. “I—”

“Nahihirapan kang sagutin?” Ken says through gritted teeth. “Dami mong sinasabi kanina ah!”

“Ken, please,”

“Hindi!” Ken cuts him off. “Ano nga? Joke ba ‘tong lahat? Pinaprank niyo ba ako? Hindi nakakatuwa!”

He feels a pat on his back and he turns to the figure beside him. Stell.

Ken immediately brushes off Stell’s hand and steps away from the older boy. “Alam mo ‘to? Alam mo ba ‘tong kagaguhang ‘to?”

Of course he knew. Ken asked anyway. But the look on Stell’s face has removed the tiniest of Ken’s doubts which makes him let out a groan of frustration. “So pinagmukha niyo akong lahat na tanga.”

“Ken,”

“Puro kayo Ken!” He glares at Josh. “Walang sumasagot sa akin, ano ba ang totoo?”

“Hiwalay na tayo.” Justin says guiltily.

Ken sees him crying and trying to get the words out through sobs and he is conflicted because while Ken hates seeing Justin cry, his own heart feels like it has been ripped out of his chest and stomped on as he heard Justin’s words.

“Gaano na ka tagal?” Ken manages to get out as he wipes his cheeks. He raises his voice when Justin doesn’t answer. “Gaano na nga katagal, Justin?”

“Naghiwalay tayo late January of 2022.” Justin says, muffled because he’s covered his face with his hands.

Ken hears it loud and clear though.

January 2022.

More than two years.

Ken places a hand on his head to calm himself down as he feels it throb. Stell who was nearest to him tries to guide him to a seat but Ken pulls his hand away.

“’Wag kayong lumapit!” Ken exclaims when he sees Pablo and Josh approach him too. “Hindi ‘to dahil sa putanginang amnesia na ‘yon.”

“Ken, please, let me explain.”

“Sino ang nakipaghiwalay?” Ken ignores Justin’s effort of explaining.

Justin looks at him confusedly. “Ha?”

“Sino ang nakipaghiwalay sa atin?”

“Ken, does this even matter?”

Ken lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Yes because it matters to me! Ako ba? Ako ba ‘yung nakipaghiwalay?”

Justin looks away from Ken and doesn’t answer.

“Ah.” Ken bites his lip to keep a sob from coming out. “Kaya pala okay lang sa’yo magsinungaling. Gumaganti ka?”

Justin almost snaps his head as he looks at Ken in disbelief. “Ken, that wasn’t it at all.”

“Ano?” Ken knows he should stop before he can say anything he’ll regret but his emotions went haywire and his heart is aching so much it feels like it will burst out of his chest if he doesn’t speak. “Did I cheat on you? Did you cheat on me?”

“Ken!” Justin exclaims as steps closer to him. Now also visibly upset. And in some cruel, pained way, it makes Ken feel a little better. That he’s not the only one being torn apart at the situation.

“Ano?”

“I’m going to pretend na hindi mo tinanong ‘yon.” Justin says helplessly. “Aksidente o wala, naghiwalay o wala, nagsinungaling o wala, alam mo ang sagot niyan.” The younger boy wipes a hand across his face and Ken can see how he’s struggling to keep himself together. “Gago ka, ikaw lang ‘yung minahal ko. Walang iba, alam mo ‘yan.”

“Eh ako?” The rational side of Ken’s brain knows he should shut up but the broken human side of him wants to make everybody feel the pain he is going through now. “Baka naman ako ‘yung nagkaroon ng iba. Kaya ang dali mong magsinungaling kasi may galit ka sa akin.”

Justin looks at Ken as if he would’ve preferred Ken stabbed him instead of implying what he was asking. He looks down at the floor at Ken sees his tears flow from his eyes so quickly that Ken almost fears hearing an answer.

He knows with his entire heart and mind and soul that he would never cheat on Justin. Never cheat on anyone ever. That is just impossible. He is not like that. He loves with his everything to only one person. And he’s only ever loved Justin.

After a few moments of tense silence, Justin looks up at him. “No. You would never.” He visibly swallows. “You know that.”

Ken pulls at his hair to keep himself from screaming. Of course, knows that. But a lot of things he thought were impossible are just getting unpacked in front of Ken.

“Ken, you were still recovering,” Justin says, both his hands are intertwined together hanging in front of him, like a school child explaining why he didn’t share his toys during playtime. “Hirap ‘yung recovery mo because you were out of it for—”

“Are you seriously trying to justify lying to me?” Ken cuts him off. “Sige, sabihin natin na kailangan mong itago na break na tayo. Did you need to be at the hospital all the time?”

Justin looks down at his hands guiltily.

“Did you need to pretend so well that you cared for me in the way I thought you still did? Kailangan din ba na pagbigyan mo ako sa lahat? Tulad noong tayo pa?”

“Did you need to wait until I was asleep before leaving so you could humour me about seeing your face last at the end of the day? Kailangan ba na andun ka rin bago ako magising kasi sabi ko natakot ata akong maulit ‘yung nangyari noong nagising ako at wala ka?”

“What reaction did you expect, Jah?” Ken says softly. Drained from the high emotions and now all he feels is hurt and sadness. “Did you think sabihin ko na okay lang, naiintindihan ko?”

Justin keeps quiet and doesn’t look at Ken.

“Kaya pala.” Ken realizes his gut feelings from the hospital. The gnawing worry that something is wrong. He was right. “Kaya pala feeling ko minsan napipilitan ka lang.”

“God, I’m so stupid.” Ken laughs at himself a little. “You never even called me love.”

“Sana maka receive ka ng badge of honour for doing what you think was morally right, Jah.” Ken takes a deep breath before deciding that he knows and has heard enough. He turns to the other boys who are looking at him, guilt in their eyes. “Sana may honorary medals din kayo. Inuna niyo ang recovery ko kaya niyo hinayaan na magmukha akong tanga.”

Ken is woken up by movement in his room and he feels his head throb in pain. He realizes it must be from all the earlier crying and the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything since last night.

“Kain ka muna.”

Ken turns to Stell and the plate of food he placed on the desk. At first, he wanted to ignore Stell and say he isn’t hungry but his stomach grumbles at the sight. He gets up from the bed and takes a seat before helping himself to the food Stell prepared.

It was left over from last night and what was so good then tastes bland and tasteless. He’s only eating to fill up and not pass out, he reasons with himself.

“Ken.”

Ken slows down his chewing when he hears Stell call out to him.

“Pwede bang magsalita?”

Ken shrugs and continues to focus on the food in front of him.

“I’m sorry.”

Ken wanted the apologies but he failed to remember how much it hurt when it came from Stell. Because Stell would usually never need to apologise to him. Because Stell would usually always do right by Ken.

“‘Di ko rin alam ba’t hinayaan ko na tatagal at lalala ng ganun ang nangyari.” Stell continues despite Ken’s lack of response. “At first, di talaga ako agree. Nalito ako ba’t pumayag si Justin.”

Ken still doesn’t respond and focuses on eating. Even if he feels like he’s swallowing pieces of paper due to the lack of taste.

“Siguro,” Stell lets out a deep sigh. “Siguro kasi kahit paano, nakita ko ulit ‘yung dati kong kaibigan.”

Ken stops chewing after hearing what Stell said. He still doesn’t look at the other boy, but he’s aware that Stell knows he’s listening.

“Siguro, in some jaded way, naisip ko na at least somehow, nakita kitang ganon ka saya ulit.”

Ken slowly turns to Stell. “‘Di na ba ako masaya?”

Stell lights up a little at the attention he received from Ken. “Minsan naman. ‘Di lang tulad ng dati.”

Ken nods slowly before turning his back on Stell again.

“Noong nag break kayo.” Stell continues. “May nawala sa inyong dalawa. Ewan, siguro ma relate ko sa isang bata na sinabihan na di pala totoo si santa claus. Nawalan ng konting spark.”

Ken almost snorts at the analogy.

“It was hard when I wanted to try to be let in, to be there para sa inyong dalawa. Si Jah, di na ako pinapasok. Ikaw naman, pinapasok nga ako, pero halos wala ka na rin naman dun.” Stell ends up venting out his true feelings that he’s kept to himself for so long.

Ken couldn’t help the confusion when he heard Stell’s voice break so he turned to him again.

“Kayo ‘yung nag break pero pati ako nawalan.” Stell wipes at his eyes. “Sorry. Sorry if I became selfish and lost sight of what I was supposed to be doing as your friend, which was to protect you.”

Ken immediately feels bad for Stell. He doesn’t know what happened when Justin and him broke up. But knowing that Stell was close to the both of them, it must’ve been hard for the older.

“Don’t,” Stell says firmly. “Don’t feel guilty please. Shinare ko ‘yung inisip ko dahil gusto ko lang masabi kung saan galing ang out of character kong ginawa. Hindi para ma guilty ka.”

Ken just looks at Stell worriedly.

“Ken, my hurt doesn’t make hurting you, intentional or not, okay.”

That had Ken’s lips wobbling and his eyes blurry. “Damn it,” He whimpers. “Stell, sobrang galit ako sa’yo.”

“I know.”

“Ikaw sana kakampi ko sa lahat eh.”

“Alam ko.”

“Tas ganito.”

“I’m sorry, Ken.”

Ken sobs into his hands like a kid, but he doesn’t care. He knows he needs to let this out.

Stell debates for a moment with himself but decides to hug Ken anyway. When the younger doesn’t protest, he tightens his hold. “I’m sorry, Ken. Sorry.”

Ken fists his hands in Stell’s shirt and lightly hits him. “Ang sakit. Sobra niyo akong nasaktan.”

"I know. I'm so sorry."

They stay like that for a while before Ken pulls away from Stell and wipes at his eyes. He doesn't say anything before he moves to lie on the bed again turned away from Stell.

"Stell." Ken doesn't wait for Stell to answer before continuing. "Give me time."

Stell nods eagerly even if Ken doesn't see it. "Hihintayin ka namin."

Ken nods slowly before he closes his eyes and tries to sleep. He felt a rub in the back before he could finally succumb to slumber. "Sorry talaga, Ken."

Chapter 8: All these people think love's for show

Chapter Text

Days pass quickly after everything that happened and their team decided to give them another two weeks off to let the emotions settle down. Justin doesn’t know how the others are coping because after that day, he immediately went into autopilot and did everything monotonously. He still hasn’t slept well which is why he finds himself staring blankly at his warm glass of milk at 3am in their dining room.

“’Di ka makatulog?”

Justin jumps at his mom’s voice. “Nanggulat naman si mama eh.”

The older de Dios ruffles his hair and takes the seat next to him at their dining table. “’Di mo pa rin na outgrow ‘yan.”

Justin chuckles. “Bunso things. Lagi akong ginugulat nila Kuya dati.”

Gemma looks at Justin and runs a hand across his cheek. “Kamusta ka na?”

“Ma.” Justin shakes his head fondly. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to be the most hurt to still get hurt, Jah.”

He looks at his mom softly and takes the hand on his cheek in his. “I’m okay, Ma.”

“Anak, galing ka sa akin.” His mom gives him a small smile. “Wala kang maitatago sa akin, Jah.”

“’Di ko lang alam paano bumalik?” Justin gives up on trying to hide his worries. She’s right. He could never hide anything from her. “I feel like may nasira ako na hindi na maibabalik pa.”

“Tungkol SB19 ba? Or kay Ken?”

“Mama naman.”

She looks at him pointedly daring him to say she’s wrong.

“Siguro kung mas inisip ko pa ng maigi ang mga desisyon ko. I should’ve known better—”

“Kailan mo ba huling inintindi ang sarili mo, Jah?”

“Ma—”

“Anak kita. Uunahin kita.” His mom cuts him off again. “When did you last give yourself the patience and understanding na binigay mo sa iba?”

Justin looks down and swallows the lump in his throat.

“Initindi mo noong nakiusap ang parents ni Ken na ‘wag muna sabihin na break kayo. Inintindi mo ang judgement nila Josh. Inintindi mo ang responsibilities ng SB19. Inintindi mo ang galit ni Stell. Inintindi mo ang recovery ni Ken. Kailan mo huling inintindi si Justin?”

“Mama,” Justin looks up at his mom who has tears welling up in her eyes.

“Matalino ka. And you’re very strong.” Gemma starts. “Pero hindi ka perfect, Jah. Nagkamali ka. Nasasaktan ka rin. You did what you thought was right with the situation you were facing.”

“Pero maavoid sana.” Justin says sadly.

“Siguro.” Gemma reaches out to make Justin lean on her shoulder. “Pero araw-araw mo bang sirain ang sarili mo dahil sa sana?”

Justin closes his eyes and sighs deeply. “’Di ko na alam.”

“Ang sakit magmahal noh?” Justin’s mom chuckles a bit when the boy makes a face. “Pero ang saya rin.”

“Stop” Justin can’t help but laugh. His mom really can take away any type of pain. “Ang weird.”

“Aba!” Gemma exclaims, slightly offended. “Hoy, sa akin ka nagchismis nung kilig na kilig ka dati.”

Justin flushes. “Enough, ma.”

“Sa akin ka rin umiyak.” Justin sees his mom give him a somber smile. “Alam mo ba, ten—baka fifty times mas sakit sa akin ‘yon.”

“Ma naman.”

“Sinasabi ko lang.” She explains further. “I really just want you to be okay. ‘Yan lang ‘yung gusto ko for you. For all of you.”

Justin nods. “Sorry, ma.”

“Ano ka ba?” Gemma pinches Justin’s cheek. “Anak kita. ‘Di ka dapat mag sorry, you’re supposed to be the reason for my deepest emotions.”

“Never ko natanong sa’yo,” Justin pulls away from his mom’s pinching. “Nagalit ka ba kay—kay Ken? Kahit saglit?”

“’Di naman sa galit.” She leans her elbows on the table. “Nalito, nadisappoint? Promise kasi niya sakin dati na ‘di ka niya sasaktan.”

Justin was about to respond to defend Ken because it wasn’t his fault if he fell out of love with Justin. Falling out of love isn’t intentional, not always. His mom beats him to it.

“Pero pagkita ko sa kanya at that time, nawala rin.”

Justin’s brows furrow at her tone. “Bakit?”

“I saw his eyes. Hindi ako nakialam kasi malaki na kayo at buhay niyo ‘yan. And you all have your reasons.” Gemma smiles sadly. “Pero alam ko lang ‘yung tingin ng mga mata na mahal ka, Jah.”

Pinagsasabi nito? Justin thinks.

“Oh, at alam ko rin ang tingin na ‘yan. Jinajudge mo nanaman pagiging nanay ko.” She clicked her tongue in playful dismay before getting up from her seat and pulling Justin with her. “Matulog ka na nga. ”

Justin groans in protest but hugs his mom back when she hugs him.

“You’ll all be okay. Everything will be okay.”

“Nagkaon man gud ko ug tarong.” Justin hears Ken say to his mom through their video call.

He’s lounging on Ken’s sofa at his condo unit after another day of their training and meetings. This has become a habit of some sort. Justin hates driving during peak hours so he ends up having dinner and spending the evening at Ken’s place until the traffic settles down so he can drive in peace (as peaceful as driving in the Philippines can be).

He doesn’t quite understand what they’re saying but from Ken’s mom’s tone, he’s being called out for something he’s doing, and with the pout on the older boy’s face and the whiny tone of his responses, Justin assumes he’s denying them vehemently.

“Lagi! Pangutan-a pa si Justin!”

Justin’s ears perk at the mention of his name which gets him immediately sitting up straight at Ken facing his phone towards him. He gives Ken the finger out of the camera’s sight for catching him off guard which has the older boy cackling.

“Hello po, Tita.” Justin waves at Ken’s mom shyly. “Kamusta po?”

“Hi Jah!” Ken’s mom smiles at him widely. “Maayos naman kami dito. Kayo ba? Kumakain ba ‘yan sa tamang oras ang anak ko?”

Justin raises an eyebrow at Ken before smirking. So this is what it’s about. “Nako, Tita. Tigas ng ulo.”

“Sinasabi ko na nga ba.” Tita Liz shakes her head in disapproval. “Ken! Tan-awa ra, nisuway pa jud ka ug deny ha!”

It was Ken’s turn to flip Justin off before pulling the phone away from the younger boy. “Ma! Namakak man gud na si Justin. Gusto lang jud na siya nga ma kasab-an ko.”

“Ay ambot ninyo! Basta kaon ug tarong diha, nak. Dili baya na basta-basta inyong gibuhat.”

Justin sees Ken pout and he looks like a child which has him let out a chuckle.

“Ikaw din, Jah! Kain ng maayos! Ano ba kayo? Abot nga ‘yung pangarap eh hindi naman kumakain?”

Justin cuts off mid-laugh and purses his lips together when Ken faces his phone at him again. He smiles sheepishly at Ken’s mom and nods. “Yes po, Tita.”

“Ewan ko ba sa inyong mga bata, feeling mga superhero!” She shakes her head. “Oh sige na, kumain na kayo at dinner time na dyan. Nagorder ba kayo?”

“Yes po.”

“Magagalit pa sana ako na take out pero it’s either that or ‘di naman kumain.” She clicks her tongue at them and Justin feels attacked because Ken, the asshole, has the phone faced at him instead.

“Bukas po, paluto ako kay mama ng sinigang.”

Tita Liz grins widely. “‘Yan. Kaya sa’yo ako, Jah eh.”

“Luh! Ako anak mo!” Ken squeezes himself beside Justin which now puts both of them on the screen. Ken pulls Justin closer to him and squishes their cheeks together.

“Mas nakikinig sa'kin ‘yan si Jah.” She squints her eyes at them both and for some unknown reason, Justin suddenly feels self-conscious at how close Ken is. “Sige na, baka na disturb ko pa ‘yung gabi niyo.”

Justin’s cheeks warm at the insinuation but he continues to laugh and engage in the conversation before they had to say goodbye when their food arrived.

He doesn’t realise that he’s been quiet until Ken snaps him out of his reverie.

“Sinabi ko kay mama na gusto kita.” Ken says after swallowing a spoonful of chicken and rice.

Justin almost choked on his food but manages to swallow it before anything happened. “Ken naman.”

“Oh? Bigla kang natahimik after sa call eh.” Ken smiles at him. “Awkward ba? Sorry, sabi ko naman sa kanya na ‘wag muna magpahalata.”

Justin feels his cheeks heat up again before he shakes his head. “Okay lang naman. Nagulat lang.”

“Ayaw ko kasi mabigla siya pagkita niyo ulit tas jowa na kita diba?” Ken smirks. “Para alam naman niya na nag pursue ako!”

“Nakakainis.” Justin covers his face with both his hands. If he passes out from all the blood rushing to his face tonight, it’s all Ken’s fault, he swears.

Justin feels Ken take one of his hands from his face and rub a thumb across the back of it. He looks at Ken who’s already looking back at him fondly.

“I like you.”

“Hmm.”

“Someday you’ll like me the same way.”

Justin already does. “Hmm,” He takes his hand back and squints his eyes at Ken playfully. “Kain na nga ulit, puro pa-cute eh.”

“Oo na. Parang si mama lang eh!”

“Justin.”

Justin looks up at the voice of their manager who had just entered the meeting room. “Po?”

“Kape? Bibili si Kuya Tony.”

Justin shakes his head. “Okay lang ako. Thank you.”

“Caramel latte sa’kin, please.” Stell says from across the table.

“Black sa’min ni Pablo.” Josh adds before turning to Justin. “Ayos ka lang?”

Justin nods his head and scrolls through his phone aimlessly.

They’re not sure if Ken is showing up today. Justin won’t blame him if he won’t. He’s not expecting it either.

“Nag message ba si miss Bea?” Pablo asks Stell.

“Sabi niya ‘di sila sure kasi sinigurado muna na okay sa kanya.” Stell says, a hint of sadness in his voice. “Valid naman.”

The door opens and they’re all shocked to see Ken enter the meeting room, a dreary look on his face, but Justin notices the softness around his eyes though.

The room is eerily quiet, he feels everyone except Ken freeze. Like he’d disappear at any wrong movement.

The said boy just takes a seat on one of the meeting chairs and runs his eyes across everyone in the room. It feels so slow until he lands on Justin.

Justin catches a breath at the intensity of Ken’s gaze. It feels like he’s trying to convey all the emotions he’s felt for the past two weeks and dump it on Justin with just a look.

“SB19 pa rin naman ako, diba?” Ken breaks the silence and lifts a brow. “Ba’t parang gulat na gulat kayo? Sabi nila SB19 meeting, diba? Here I am. SB19 Ken.”

Stell is first to respond as the others have no idea what to say. “Of course.”

“Then stop looking at me like I came back from the dead—oh wait.”

“Ken.”

Miss Bea, their project manager and Ken’s solo manager walks in the room. “You promised to be civil and mature about this.”

“Two weeks lang din binigay niyo for me to magically grow in maturity.” Ken rolls his eyes. “Akala ko rin kaya ko, but I can’t help it.”

“Galit ka, yes.” She says, taking the seat beside Justin. “You can lash out but not during business meetings. Trabaho mo pa rin ‘to. I asked you multiple times if you’re ready to be here, I gave you multiple outs.”

Justin turns to Bea and lightly rubs his elbow against her. “It’s okay.”

“No, Jah.” Bea shakes her head. “It’s a f*cked up situation, but you need to understand, Ken. Everyone in this room did what they thought was best for you with the given circ*mstances. Kung hindi ka ready magpatawad, that’s fine. But don’t act like you were forced to be here today because pa-ulit ulit kitang tinanong, at pa-ulit ulit ka ring pumilit.”

Ken purses his lip and looks down at the table.

The room goes quiet again before Pablo speaks. “Alam kong galit ka but I can’t help it.”

Everyone looks at Pablo as his voice shook a bit.

“It’s so nice to see you back at that seat, Ken.”

Justin sees Ken’s gaze soften as he looks at Pablo before he looks away again. “I was told mostly about what happened over the past two years regarding our career.”

The people in the room turn to Ken, encouraging him to go on.

“Galit ako and I still don’t think what you all did was right but I still want to be part of this.” Ken explains. “But I want nothing but the truth this time.”

Justin bites his lip at the firmness in Ken’s tone. If Ken valued one thing in life, it was trust. And he knows how hard it must be for Ken to try and look beyond what happened in such a short time.

“I need you all to promise me that there will be no more secrets.” Ken adds, this time with a hint of pleading. “I finished all my tests from the hospital, okay na ako. There is no need to spare me from anything anymore.”

Everyone in the room either makes a noise in agreement and nods.

Ken looks at Justin expectantly before the younger boy nods as well.

“Okay.” Ken says with finality.

And if that’s all Ken has to offer today for them then they take it as it is.

Maybe it’ll all be okay, Justin thinks. For now, that’ll have to do.

Chapter 9: Is it enough?

Chapter Text

“Tingin niyo okay na ako, Doc?”

Dr. Estella smiles at Ken. “Ikaw lang naman makakasagot niyan, Ken.”

“Feel ko naman,” Ken tells his therapist. “I can look at them without feeling that heavy feeling in my chest na masyado.”

“That’s good.” She nods at Ken encouragingly. “That makes you feel better?”

“Oo, magaan na pag pumunta ng studio.” Ken smiles a little. “At medyo nakakausap ko na sila na hindi naiilang.”

“As long as it isn’t rushed and on your terms, Ken.” She smiles and writes something down on her notepad.

Ken nods at her and clasps his hands together. “May itatanong pala ako, Doc.”

“Do you think,” He starts. “Do you think it would be good for me to talk to Jah?”

Estella looks at Ken before putting down her pen from writing. “What do you think?”

“Feeling ko kasi kailangan ko lang ng closure.” Ken explains hesitantly. “Doc, kahit kailan ‘di ko naisip na ma-involve sa isang aksidente at magkaamnesia.”

She nods at him, encouraging him to go on.

“Pero mas hindi ko talaga na isip na maghiwalay kami.”

The doctor gives him an empathetic smile. “So hindi ‘yung galit ‘yung issue.”

Ken shakes his head. “No.”

“Okay.” She brings out her whiteboard and passes it to Ken. “Do you want to do the honors?”

Ken smiles slightly when he takes the whiteboard. At first, he didn’t know the point of this in therapy, but in the long run, it helped him so much. “Okay.”

“Ayos ka lang?”

Ken jumps at Josh’s voice from behind him. “Ha?”

“Kanina ka pa tulala.” Josh sits beside him on the floor of their dance studio. “Musta ang pagbalik training?”

“Hmm.” Ken shrugs and stretches his legs. It’s only been a few weeks since he joined their training sessions again. He seems to catch up quite quick with their dance routines and their songs.

Josh sighs and looks at Ken. “Hindi nga ako nakapag sorry sa’yo personally, noh?”

Ken rolls his eyes. “As if naman may plano ka.”

“You’re right, wala talaga akong plano.” Josh smiles. “Nasabi naman na siguro ni Pablo at Stell ang dahilan ba’t nangyari ang nangyari. Do you want to hear it again?”

“Ewan ko sa’yo.” Ken huffs before he gets up from the floor, full-on planning to leave before he could punch Josh.

“I won’t apologise for what happened,” Josh says after him. “But I am sorry our actions hurt you.”

Ken stops without turning to Josh.

“Plastic kung sabihin kong pinagsisihan ko na hinayaan mangyari ang nangyari, because I played a hand in it. I knew what was happening. I actively let it happen.”

Ken looks down at his feet but he doesn’t move.

“I regret that it hurt you, though.” Ken hears Josh get up from the floor and walk closer to him. “Sawa ka nang marinig ‘to, pero we never wanted to hurt you, Ken.”

Ken feels warmth in his heart but he is tired of crying so he shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Okay na.”

“Of course it does.” Josh protests and moves to be in front of Ken. “And okay lang na hindi pa fully okay. Oo, you’re giving us a chance, pero hindi ibig sabihin okay na agad lahat.”

Ken squints his eyes at Josh. “Ano ba ‘yung gusto mong marinig?”

“Ano ba ‘yung gusto mong marinig?”

Ken shakes his head at Josh confusedly. “I don’t understand.”

“You won’t ask Pablo. It’ll hurt too much.” Josh explains. “Mas malaki tampo mo kay Stell dahil sobrang close kayo. And obviously, Jah is out of the picture.”

Ken still doesn’t understand so he gestures at Josh to continue.

“I know you want to talk about the past two years.”

“Sa tingin mo sa’yo ko gusto marinig?”

Josh laughs a little and Ken ignores the fact that he wants to laugh with him. “Hindi ako sure, pero kanino pa ba? Sino ba ang didiretsohin ka pa rin after all that happened?”

Point taken. Josh and Ken’s friendship was everything but sugarcoated. When the situation required truth, that's what they gave. Even if it was the cold, hard truth. What happened with the accident was one of the only times Josh ever remotely lied to him.

“Bawi ako sa’yo?” Josh asks. Ken sees the slight hopefulness in his eyes that he tries masking by being cheeky.

Ken’s never seen that look directed to him on Josh before.

“Libre mo ba?”

Josh grins and throws a hand around Ken’s shoulders. “Saan mo gusto?”

“Kayo lang ni Jah ang nagiiwasan, okay naman tayo as a group.”

Ken chews his noodles slowly before nodding. So his first concern was to ask about him and Justin. Sue him. “Hindi weird? Hindi napansin ng fans?”

“Ang galing niyo, oy.” Josh chuckles. “Ang dami niyo pa ngang shipper.”

Ken’s ears perk up. “So hindi nga obvious?”

“Whenever there are cameras,” Josh explains. “And kung behind the scenes naman, usually binibrief naman ang staff sa mga event about video recordings.”

“Nagalit ba kayo sa amin?”

Josh takes a bite of his chicken before looking up as if trying to remember. “Mas nag-alala kami.”

“Ikaw?” Ken pries further. “Mahal na mahal mo si Jah.”

“Mahal din naman kita.” Josh says, as a matter of fact.

Ken makes a face. “’Di mo branding.”

Josh laughs out loud. “Ikaw na nga mahal eh.”

“Yuck.” And Ken can’t help the little chuckles that come out of his mouth so he lets them.

Josh continues to laugh with Ken before he sighs. “Wala kayong sinabi sa amin about it. After that first few days of—”

Ken sees Josh contemplating his next words.

“You’re sure you want to hear this?”

Ken nods. “You promised the whole truth.”

Josh sighs before nodding. “First few days, Justin was a wreck. Kailangan kong pilitin kumain, maligo, gumalaw.”

Something heavy is felt on Ken’s chest when he hears this but he really wants to know everything so he doesn’t stop Josh.

“Break natin noon so there was no training, we were given time to work on solo stuff.” Josh takes a sip of his iced tea before continuing. “But Justin called me and asked kung pwede ko ba siya samahan sa condo.”

Ken shifts in his seat. He doesn’t know if he wants to hear this from Josh or wants to wait until he gets to talk to Justin.

“Hindi ko alam ang nangyari, but when I got to his condo. Ayun,” Josh bites his lip and looks down at his food. “It was bad.”

Ken looks down at his food. Suddenly, he’s lost his appetite. Even at Korean fried chicken.

“Wala bang nasabi kung bakit kami nag break?” Ken mumbles. “Paano nangyari ‘yon?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t answer.” Josh says a bit loudly. “Triny ka naming kausapin. Ang sabi mo, it was between you and Jah. Si Jah naman, puro ‘di ko alam’.”

Ken shakes his head in disbelief. That feels so absurd to him. He would tell someone the reason for sure. There has to be a reason.

“A month after it all though, tinawagan mo ako.”

Ken sits straight at this knowledge before staring at Josh. “Nag-aya kang uminom.”

“What?” Ken doesn’t drink. If he does, it’s very, very occasionally, and with very, very low volumes of alcohol.

Josh chuckles before nodding. “I know, nagulat din ako.” He continues. “Still, I thought maybe you just wanted to talk.”

Ken tilted his head in curiosity. “And?”

“Iyak ka lang nang iyak.”

Ken’s heartbeat races at this. “Ha?”

“Feeling ko, you held it in for so long.” Josh looks at Ken empathetically. “For the entire month, we saw Jah crumble, but you were so caught up in solo work, it seemed like you were handling the break up well.”

Ken’s brows furrow in confusion. If he initiated the break up. Why was he so secretive about the reason behind it? His emotions behind it?

“You didn’t say anything, Ken,” Josh says. “I didn’t ask. Gusto mo lang umiyak noon, hinayaan lang kita.”

“We never talked about it. Nagising ka the next day, sabi mo thank you, tas umuwi ka.”

Ken thought he’d get answers from Josh, but it only ended up with him even more confused.

Eventually, their conversation goes from Ken and Justin to the past two years of music, growth, and even cars.

“Narinig mo naman siguro EP mo, diba?”

“Oo.” Ken smiles shyly.

Josh throws him a piece of tissue. “Don’t be shy about it. You should be proud. Grabe ang growth at galing mo.”

“Oo na.” Ken rolls his eyes. “Thank you.”

“Thank you rin.”

“Para sa ano?”

Josh raises his eyebrows at him. “For giving us a chance na bumawi sa’yo.”

“SB19 will always—”

Josh cuts him off. “Not just SB19. Sa amin. Salamat.”

Ken softens at the look of gratefulness on Josh’s face. “Thank you. For admitting that it was wrong.” He continues. “And slowly naiintindihan ko rin na mahirap ‘yung sitwasyon.”

“Cut na, iiyak na ako.”

Ken rolls his eyes. “Bwisit ka, seryoso na nga eh.”

Josh chuckles at Ken before smirking. “Alam mo, magtatampo ‘yun si Stell.”

Ken groans. “I know.”

“Mag selfie tayo! Pang ig!”

“Josh!”

“Josh, may kape dito.” Ken hears Justin’s voice in their meeting room in the early hours of the morning. May training sila today. And as far as he knows, siya pa lang ang nasa studio.

Ken doesn’t lift his head from where he's crouched on the table, his head between his arms in a hoodie. He silently hoped that Josh came in without him knowing and Justin wasn’t mistaking him for Josh.

“Huy.” Justin continues. “Bigay mo na rin ‘to kay Ken mamaya. Sabihin mo nalang ulit na galing sa’yo. Nakita ko ig mo eh.”

Ken freezes. sh*t. He should’ve just raised his head in the first place.

“Buti naman at okay na kayo.” He hears the hint of sadness in Justin’s voice and he can’t take it so he lifts his head from his arms.

Justin’s eyes widen as his jaw drops a little. “Ay. Sorry.” He looks away from Ken and rubs a hand behind his neck. “Si Josh kasi usually ‘yung maaga dito.”

Ken almost laughs at how wide Justin’s eyes went. “Okay lang. Maaga akong nagising eh.”

Justin nods at Ken slowly before looking at the tray of coffee he placed on the table. Ken sees the younger boy’s eyes stare at the drinks as he fidgets with his hands.

“Akin ‘yan?”

Justin snaps out of it before grabbing one of the iced drinks and pushes it towards Ken. “Here.”

Ken gives him a small smile before taking the coffee. “Thank you. Meron ka rin? Diba ayaw mo sa kape?” Ken asks when Justin take a sip from his own cup.

“Natuto rin.” Justin says after a moment. “Pag kinulang sa tulog.”

Ken lets out a satisfied sigh when he takes a sip of his drink. Sweet. Just as he likes it.

“’Di kasing tamis sa gusto mo though.”

Ken raises a brow at Justin. “Jinajudge mo pa rin ba ang tamis ng kape ko?”

“Ha? Hindi!” Justin shakes his head quickly. “Sabi ko lang kasi natry ko ‘yung order mo lagi before, masarap naman! ‘Di ko lang—”

Justin cuts himself off when he sees Ken bite his lip to hold in a laugh. “Hm.”

Ken huffs out a chuckle. “Pero salamat dito. Sa’yo pala galing ang kape every morning.”

Ken sees Justin’s cheeks redden when he nods and he has to look away because this moment feels all too familiar yet so foreign given the circ*mstances.

“Labas muna ako—”

“Musta ka naman?”

“Oh, sige.”

“Ah. Sorry, akala ko kasi gusto mo muna matulog saglit bago ako dumating.” Justin explains.

This is so weird. Ken has never felt this awkward with Justin even from before. It feels like he’s treading on thin ice in this conversation and he doesn’t like it.

“Hindi naman.” Ken wants to imply that Justin should just stay. He wants to talk to him.

“Ah.” Justin looks at him warily. “Um, I’m okay. Ikaw ba?”

“Jah, pwede ba?”

Justin bites his lip before looking at him guiltily. “What?”

“Don’t make it awkward. It’s still just me.” Ken waves his hand. “Alam kong magulo lately with everything but I really want to make things right. We can’t do that if we’re scared.”

Hypocrite. Ken’s just as scared as Justin is. He’s just doing a better job at hiding it. He always has.

“Sorry.”

“Look, I know that it’s a long way to go with everything.” Ken starts. “Pero gusto ko na maging okay, Jah. And honestly, gusto ko rin maging okay ka.”

Justin stays quiet in his seat.

“Do you think, maybe, um—” Ken stutters out. “Baka pwedeng—”

“Ano ‘yun?”

Ken sighs. “What if all this happened so we could be friends again?”

Justin just stares at Ken for a moment before he lets out a small laugh. “Ganon ba tayo ka importante sa universe? Pang movie ‘yung kaganapan.”

“Baka main characters ‘yan?”

Justin actually chuckles and Ken sees him relax a bit. “Okay lang ba talaga sa’yo? You can take all the time you need. Alam kong,” He sighs. “Alam kong nasaktan kita.”

“Isang sorry pa, mananapak na ako.”

Justin pouts at that. “Pero—”

“Wala nang pero.” Ken cuts him off. “I know you’re sorry. Alam kong di niyo ginustong masaktan ako. Babawi tayo." He looks at Justin pleadingly. "I'm tired of being sad, Jah. Hindi ka ba pagod?”

Silence takes over the room before anyone says anything. Justin is just staring at Ken as if dissecting the thoughts of the older boy. As if trying to see if Ken really wants this. Ken stares at him right back, determined to show that he will do everything to be okay. For all of them to be okay.

“Okay.” Justin nods. “Okay, Ken. Thank you.”

“Okay.”

“Felip Jhon!”

Ken and Justin jump at Stell who immediately storms into the meeting room with a disappointed look on his face.

“Paano mo nagawa sa’kin na kay Josh muna makipag bonding?”

Ken rolls his eyes at Stell but not before seeing Justin give him a genuine smile from across the table. It’s been a while since he’s seen that look on the younger boy. Ken feels a warmth in his heart that he hasn't felt in a while too. He is determined to protect both things this time around.

Even if it means going back to being just friends.

Chapter 10: I'd swing with you for the fences

Chapter Text

“Ken ha!”

Ken continues to poke at Justin’s side while the other is mixing the chocolate chip cookie ingredients in a bowl.

“Ken kasi!”

The older boy laughs before wrapping his arms around Justin from behind, resting his chin on his boyfriend’s right shoulder. “Try lang eh.”

“May itlog nga eh, pag magkakasakit ka, sinasabi ko sa’yo Ken.”

“Konti lang!” Ken doesn’t pull away from his position before snatching some of the mixture on his index finger.

Justin squawks in protest but Ken’s quick enough to bring his finger to his lips and get a taste of the cookie dough mixture.

“Hmm, sarap!” Ken chuckles as he expects a look of disapproval on Justin’s face. Instead, he finds his boyfriend’s cheeks red with a wide-eyed look of disbelief on his face.

Justin pushes Ken away with his hip, but the older didn’t miss the way he gulped before doing so.

“Huy, ikaw ha.” Ken teases, wiggling his eyebrows. “I really just wanted a taste of the cookie dough.”

Justin looks all the definitions of defensive at Ken. “Kung ano-ano ‘yung inisip mo. Umalis ka nga.”

Ken chuckles before going back to his position behind Justin, arms wrapped around his waist. “Joke lang, I love you, baby ko.”

“Sus, distraction ka lang.” Justin grumbles, still not giving in but never really pushing Ken away.

Ken dips his finger in the mixture again which has Justin groan before letting the bowl and whisk go. He pulls away from Ken and stomps his feet as he pushes away from the kitchen counter.

“Ayaw ko na, bahala ka na nga.”

Ken chuckles at Justin’s little tantrum before chasing after the boy. “Here, here. Tikman mo. You’re doing great, my baker.”He hold his finger with cookie dough out to Justin.

Justin makes a face at the term before biting Ken’s finger.

“Ouch!”

“Masarap nga.”

Ken glares at Justin who laughs before going back to mixing. “Masakit ‘yon ha.”

“Kawawa ka naman.”

“True. Kiss mo nga.”

Justin purses his lips before pinching Ken’s nose. “Sabi ko mag bake tayo, puro pangungulit ka lang eh.”

“Sabi mo mag bebake ka, I never said I was gonna join you.” Ken corrects.

Justin laughs before pulling Ken by his cheeks and placing a loud and wet smack on his lips. “You’re lucky mahal na mahal kita.”

Ken smirks before cupping Justin’s cheeks. “I am. I love you too.”

“Jah?”

Justin snaps out of the trance he was in. “I’m sorry, ano ‘yon?”

Pablo sighs before looking at his watch. “15-minute break muna tayo, okay lang?”

Everyone in the meeting room makes a noise of agreement before getting up from their seats. Some making stretching noises while others deciding on what snacks they’re getting from the pantry.

“Huy ka.”

Justin looks at Pablo apologetically. “Sorry, nag zone out ako.”

“Ayos ka lang? Finalising dates naman na tayo for your next song. It’s been a long day.”

“Sorry,” Justin says again. “Late na ako nakatulog kagabi after training natin.”

“Magkasama kayo ni Ken nag dinner?”

Justin swallows before looking away. “’Di lang naman kami. Kami nila Josh at Stell. At sila Xi.”

“Hmm.”

“Sorry.”

Pablo looks at him in confusion. “Bakit sorry?”

“Ewan.”

“If you’re scared I’m against this, I’m not.” Pablo takes the seat beside Justin. “I’m actually happy you’re rebuilding whatever it is you have.”

Justin tilts his head in confusion.

“How is it for you, though?” Pablo asks. “Must be hard.”

“Not sure I understand what you mean...” Justin trails off.

“You spent the last two years burying the pain and healing from the memories you and Ken had.” Pablo explains. “And once moving on finally felt like something you could achieve, something actually attainable, this happens.”

Justin looks down and plays with his hands.

“Andito nanaman.” Pablo says. “It’s here again, crawling its way back in. Ibang klase.”

“Anong point mo?” Justin smiles at Pablo exasperatedly. “What am I getting out of this conversation?”

Pablo actually looks apologetic when he smiles at Justin. “Perspective?”

“Whose perspective do I need? Yours?”

“Not me, specifically?” Pablo shakes his head. His voice softer. “Perspective from someone who has seen the way you love. From someone who has seen the way someone loves you.”

“Pau,”

“I’m just saying,” Pablo cuts him off. “Not everyone gets these many chances at the same love.”

Justin bites his lip. No. Pablo is wrong. This chance is a way to avoid what happened before, not rewrite it.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Justin waves him off. “Kukuha ako ng kape.”

“Jah,”

It was Justin’s turn to cut him off. “There was a time in my life when I would’ve agreed with you, Pau.”

Pablo looks at Justin, with all intention to protest but the younger continues.

“But today Justin just wants to finish this meeting so he can go home.” Justin smiles at Pablo pleadingly. “Today Justin has made peace with endings and different beginnings, pwede bang si today Pablo rin?”

Pablo stares at Justin for a few moments before nodding slowly. “Okay.” He approaches Justin before pulling him in for a side hug. “I’m sorry. No more side comments.”

'Di talaga inasahang
Magkagulo't magkagulatan
Tahanang pinagpaguran
Sa'n na napunta?

Justin slowly walks into their studio, careful not to make too much noise as not to disturb Ken who’s singing while playing his guitar on the floor.

Ken has his eyes closed as he sings so it gave Justin time to admire the sight before him.

At kahit nabago na ng oras, ang puso ma'y nabutas
Ikaw pa rin sa susunod na habang-buhay

Ken was always in a different element when it was just him and his acoustic guitar. Stripped off of his usual cool and collected persona, it made him look impossibly younger. He always looked softer, gentler, more exposed.

“Putek ka, Jah. Magsalita ka naman!”

Justin couldn’t help but laugh at Ken’s reaction along with the wide-eyed look he’s giving Justin. “Sorry. Ayaw kitang distorbohin.”

“So hayaan mo lang akong aatakehin sa gulat?” Ken shakes his head.

“Oa mo na talaga.” Justin places his bag on the sofa before going to sit beside Ken on the floor. “Sorry na, ang tagal ko na rin kasing ‘di ka nakitang tumugtog.”

Ken’s eyes dim at that. “Talaga?”

Justin nods at him. He didn’t realise that his statement implied just how different their relationship was now from what Ken remembered. “Your acoustics.”

Ken gives him a small smile, his eyes carrying a bit of weight now that Justin feels a little bad. But it’s the truth. “I used to always play for you.”

“Tugtog ka pa, dali.”

Ken strums his guitar gently. “May request ka ba?”

Justin looks up to think for a moment. “Wala, basta ‘yung masaya. Lungkot lungkot ng kanta mo kanina eh. We do not want that energy, Zer Ken.”

Ken shakes his head in a giggle. He starts strumming the guitar strings to the chords of a song he recently learned.

Justin’s ears perked at hearing the first notes. “Ken.” He prolongs the vowel in the older boy’s name in protest. “Ano ba naman ‘yan.”

I just wanna live in my imagination
Where hatred does not exist

Justin covers his ears as he closes his eyes in annoyance. “Si Ken naman!”

And your eyes can see everything
You and I are imagining

“Ayoko na, iwan na kita dito.”

Ken stops strumming to laugh out loud. “Bakit? Ang ganda kaya ng kanta na ‘yan. Ano ka ba?”

Justin makes a face. “Nye nye, sige na, iba naman.”

“Ito na, ito nalang.”

Oh darling
There's not much that you can say
To stop me from falling in
Like I am

Justin freezes at the familiar words. He didn’t think Ken would choose one of the songs they’d sing to each other in the past. “Parang baliw naman.” He mumbles under his breath so Kendoesn’t hear but he can’t help himself. He asked for happy, not memories.

They say you know when you know, well I know
I know you're the one

Ken looks straight into Justin’s eyes as he sings and he doesn’t have it in him to look away. And Justin suddenly isn’t in the studio anymore. He’s sent back to Ken’s old condo, to the times when they’d dance around the living room aimlessly, singing their hearts out at these type of love songs.

He’s sent back to the days when love wasn’t something to look back on but to live with. Something to live in.

Some peoplе come in your life for a reason
Others they come in your life for a season
But baby, you are a lifetime

Before Justin could react further to the memories, or even stop Ken from continuing, something catches his eye.

“Nasa’yo pa pala ‘yan?”

Ken stops singing as he looks at Justin in confusion. “Ang alin?”

“Guitar pick mo. I didn’t know you still had that.” Justin looks at Ken in curiousity. “Ang tagal na niyan.”

Ken nods. “Ah, oo. Ito lang ang nasa pocket ng guitar case.”

Justin is taken aback. The guitar pick Ken is using is from Justin. He personally made it from one of their old reward cards back then when they were together.

“Hindi ko nagawa ‘yung shape talaga.” Justin says sadly. “Bili nalang ako ng pick puncher para mas maganda.”

Ken protests before taking the makeshift guitar pick Justin made. “Bakit? Ang ganda kaya ng gawa mo. Scissors lang nga ginamit mo eh.”

“Ih!” Justin tries to take his sad excuse of a guitar pick back but Ken holds it away from him and kisses him on the lips quickly. Justin isn’t amused. “Panget nga, bili ka nalang talaga ng totoong pick para di ka mapahiya. Siguro naman afford na natin ang pick.”

“Bakit naman ako mahihiya?” Ken says incredulously. He takes Justin’s left hand and kisses the palm of it. “Knowing that the scissors we have is right-handed, matigas ‘yung reward card, at hindi pa gumana ang marker para may guide ka, ginawan mo pa rin ako.”

Justin stares at Ken’s face. He looks like he’s about to cry and Justin is overwhelmed.

“You did all of this kasi sabi ko sa’yo na gusto ko merong pick at masakit na ‘yung kamay ko kaka-gitara.” Ken places another kiss on the hand he’s holding. “I wouldn’t trade this for any guitar pick kahit galing pa kay Taylor Swift.”

Justin pouts at Ken in an attempt to calm his racing heart. God, he loves him so much. “Seryoso, Ken. It probably won’t work well, sige na, bili nalang tayo—”

“No.” Ken cuts him off. “Ito ‘yung gusto ko.”

“Ken—”

“I love you.” Ken intertwines their hands together. “I love you. Thank you. Favourite ko na ‘to na guitar pick forever.”

Justin looks at Ken in confusion. “I can’t believe you kept that.”

Ken shrugs like it’s what he expects himself to do. “I always loved this guitar pick though. May problema ba?”

Yes. Justin thinks. Yes, because you don’t keep things your ex has given you. Two years after you broke up at that. Especially if in those two years, you haven’t spoken more than fifteen words to each other every time you meet.

Do you?

“Jah?” Ken calls out to Justin. “Are you really overthinking my guitar pick?”

Justin shakes his head slowly before giving Ken a small smile. “You’re right. Sorry. Nagulat lang.”

Ken chuckles. “I’m happy to know I’m still very sentimental even if I don’t remember everything yet.”

“Oo na. Ikaw na.” Justin rolls his eyes playfully. “Sige na, tugtog ka pa.”

Chapter 11: And it's just around the corner, darling

Chapter Text

“Ba’t ‘di ka nagsabi?”

Ken trails behind Justin as he walks through the hallways through his condo on the floor of his unit.

“Justin!”

Justin hastens his pace as Ken’s voice gets louder. He is not having this conversation in public in case there are people around. “Shh! Pwede ba? Sa unit mo na tayo mag-usap?”

Ken takes a deep breath and Justin sees him bite back a reply. He overtakes Justin in the hallway and walks at an even quicker pace toward his unit.

Justin sighs before following after.

“So? Magsasalita ka ba o mag tititigan lang tayo dito?” Ken says the moment he steps in the unit giving Justin just enough time to close the door behind him. He ignores Ken as he takes off his shoes and sets them on the shoe rack before walking further in the unit to place their stuff and food on the counter.

Justin knows it annoys Ken further but he can’t help himself. Ken’s been upset the whole ride home after finding out that Justin was called up in a meeting by management a few days ago.

He hasn’t said anything about it but Ken has a feeling he knows what it was about.

“Ano na, Jah?” Ken runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Justin rolls his eyes, Ken sees him starting to get annoyed as well. “Anong gagawin mo? Aawayin mo nanaman?”

Ken glares at his lover. “Obviously, if they’re wrong! Which they always are!”

“And that’s why I didn’t tell you.” Justin replies. “Mas lalong gugulo.”

“Can you please explain to me how I’m wrong in the situation?” Ken jeers. “Ang responsibility ng management ends where our personal decisions come in! Sila na nga nag decide which music to release and when to release them, tas sa pagiging mag jowa pa, may say sila?”

Justin turns away from Ken as he busies himself with taking out their dinner from the paper bags.

“Ayan, tatahimik ka na naman.” Ken says, walking closer to Justin. “Marami tayong ma solve na issue sa pananahimik mo, Jah. Promise.”

“Wala naman kasi sanang issue if you don’t make it an issue.” Justin deadpans. “Hindi naman tayo nakikinig ah, mag jowa pa rin naman tayo. I’m here in your condo after training. Sabay tayo pupunta ng studio bukas. ‘Di naman magbago ang treatment natin sa isa’t isa.”

Ken rolls his eyes. “That’s not the point!”

“Ayaw mo lang ‘yung sinasabihan ka eh.”

“Aba syempre! Especially kung alam ko na walang mali!” Ken groans. “Bakit? Do you think they’re right? Kaya ka nakikinig?”

Justin looks at Ken sharply. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Ken scoffs. “Laging ganito.” He continues. “Hindi nila tayo didiktahan pero sabihan naman sa lahat ng negative possibilities if people find out we’re actually together. Nag plant ng seeds of doubt and anxiety in your head because they know you care! You care about our career, about our dreams, about me! You love me! Kaya ikaw ‘yung laging tinatakot nila!”

Justin sighs as he finishes taking out their food. “Of course, I care.” Ken sees Justin rub his temples before leaning his hands against the counter. “I don’t want everything you worked hard for—we worked hard for to be put to waste.”

“See.” Ken shakes his head. “See, they’re instilling it in you that if people find out about us, everything would be put to waste. Who are they to say that? Ganon ba ka babaw ang fans?”

“Not the fans, Ken! The industry, the media, society!” Justin says exasperatedly. “Nahihirapan nga ‘yung mga tao who doesn’t have thousands of eyes on them every day watching their every move, so how much more us? Ha? How much more you, Ken?”

“Ang babaw ng tingin mo sa pagmamahal natin if you think it could be ruined by those people.”

Justin turns to Ken when he hears the tremble in the other’s voice.

“Ken—"

“No.” Ken lifts his chin in defiance. “Mahal mo ba ako?”

Justin squints his eyes at Ken without answering.

“Well? I know I love you, do you love me?”

“You know the answer to that.”

Ken shakes his head before approaching Justin closer. “I want to hear you say it.”

Justin glares at Ken. “Mahal kita.”

Ken nods his head before wrapping his arms around Justin’s waist. “And that’s what matters. Every decision we make in life has positives and negatives, Jah. Having you outweighs even the best them.”

Ken wakes up in a start. He takes a deep breath before grabbing his phone from his bedside table to check the time.

03:18

He sits in bed and tries calming himself down from the sudden adrenaline. Was that a memory? Ken thinks. He knew their management wasn’t too happy about their relationship back then, but he didn’t realise that it got worse enough to cause them to fight.

As soon as he has calmed down, he lays back on the bed and tries to get a few more hours of sleep. They're training today so he should be in his best shape if he doesn't want to lag behind. Ken realises that the others have made multitudes of adjustments for him because of the accident and while they never made him feel it, he can't help but be a little guilty.

He reminds himself that this is not his fault and that the boys and their team love him. He holds on to that as he succumbs to slumber once again.

“Bakit ka pa kasi nakipag-away?”

Ken looks at Justin incredulously from across the couch. “Jah, do you hear yourself? Ultimo seating arrangement sa interview pagsasabihan tayo. Eh sa lagi naman talaga tayong magkatabi”

“Para sa seating arrangement lang eh.” Justin sighs. “Minsan pumili ka naman ng battles mo, please.”

“It’s ridiculous!” Ken exclaims. “They have been pestering us all week, Justin. May limit din ang patience ko.”

“Ken, sige na, please? May mga event ka in the next days for palayo.” Justin pleads. “Don’t give them a reason to make it hard for you, love. Please.”

Ken deflates at the endearment. He knows Justin finds all these instructions from management ridiculous too but he’s avoiding conflict to make Ken’s life easier.

He suddenly feels guilty when he sees Justin’s eyes water while looking at him. Ken immediately engulfs the younger in a tight hug. “I’m sorry, sorry na.”

“Ayaw ko lang sila bigyan ng rason para pahirapan ka.” Justin nuzzles his face in the crook of Ken’s neck and Ken hates that he feels his tears there. “Hindi nila mapipigilan ang success mo, Ken but you know they can do things to stress you out about it. Ayaw na ayaw ko ‘yan.”

“Oo na.” Ken says softly as he rubs Justin’s back. “Sorry na, hindi na ako makipag-away.”

Justin looks up at him from his position. “Promise ha?”

“Promise. I need you to promise me rin, Jah.” Ken runs a hand through Justin’s hair.

“Ano ‘yon?”

Ken wipes a stray tear from Justin’s cheeks. “Na ‘di ka bibitaw kahit ano pa ang sabihin at pananakot nila.”

Silence.

Ken looks into his lover’s eyes and tries to convey all the love he has for this person through just one look.

“I promise.”

For the second time that morning, Ken is woken up by dreams from the past.

07:12

Only this time, he’s closer to call time and more confused than ever.

Ken blinks at Stell who is waving a hand in front of his face. “Stell.” He shifts in his seat. “Sorry.”

“Distracted ka today ah, okay ka lang?”

Ken forces out a smile. “Hindi naman.”

“Weh? Kanina ka pa kinakausap ng mga tao tas wala dito, wala doon ‘yung mga sagot mo.”

“Sorry ha.” Ken rolls his eyes. “’Di lang mahimbing ‘yung tulog ko, I guess.”

“Kakakape mo ‘yan!” Stell laughs.

“Stell.”

The older of the two stops chuckling when he hears Ken’s tone. “Ano ‘yon?”

“I’ve been having,” Ken pauses, feeling ridiculous at the word he’s going to use but he looked it up and it really was the term that described his experience. “..flashbacks.”

Stell looks shocked at first before his lips curved up a bit.

Ken rolls his eyes. “Of course, you won’t take it seriously.”

“Teka,” Stell sucks in his cheeks before taking a deep breath with his eyes closed. “Okay, sorry. Ewan ko ba, sa movies ko lang narinig ‘yan eh.”

“Ewan ko sa’yo.”

Stell pulls Ken’s hand when the other boy attempts to get up and away from him. “Wait lang, sige na, makikinig na ako. What were they about?”

Ken shifts a bit, uneasy. Stell notices.

“Ano ‘yon? Before the accident ba?”

Ken nods. “Not directly before, but like—”

Stell looks at him curiously. Probably wondering why Ken is hesitating so much. Then it hits him. “Tungkol sa inyo ni Jah.”

Ken nods defeatedly. “Is it pathetic? That I still want to know? That this still bothers me?”

“No.” Stell rubs a hand on Ken’s back in an attempt to comfort his friend. “It meant a lot to you, your relationship was a large part of your life, Ken. So normal lang na maghahanap ka ng mga sagot.”

“Feeling ko kasi I should just move on.” Ken sighs. “I should just be grateful I’m alive and just forget about the past, live in the present.”

“Do you think that will give you peace?”

Ken turns to Stell sadly. “No.”

“Kausapin mo si Jah.” Stell encourages. “He’s the only one who can give you answers, and he probably wants them as much as you do.”

“I love you so much.” Justin gasps out as he runs a hand across Ken’s bare back.

Ken smirks against Justin’s neck before placing feather-light kisses on the area towards his collarbone. “I love you too.”

“Ken, come on—”

Justin cuts off mid-sentence with a moan when Ken works his hand down to his—

“Ken.”

“Ha!” Ken jumps out of his seat and accidentally hits his knee on the table. “Ano? Wala!”

Justin startles at his behaviour. “Anong wala? Ha?”

“Wala! Wala akong inisip!” Ken rubs a hand across his face, pulling at his hoodie as he feels himself warm in embarrassment. He also starts to feel just how hard his knee hit the table that it aches from where he’s standing.

“Ken? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay!” Ken rushes out. “I’m fine!” He waves a hand out at Justin and the rest of the people in the meeting room.

Pablo looks at him from his seat confusedly. “Okay? So ayos lang ba sa’yo na late this year na tayo mag comeback? We were waiting on your vote.”

Ken nods eagerly. “Yes, yes. Late this year. Correct. Okay. Vote. My vote.”

Justin looks at him in concern and gets up from his seat. “Sure ka bang okay ka lang? Namumula ka—”

“Yes! ‘Wag kang lumapit!” Ken exclaims, holding a hand out to stop Justin from moving closer. “I’m okay! Promise!”

Justin holds his hands up defensively. “Okay, okay.”

“I’m okay!” Ken repeats. “Mag rerestroom lang ako.” He rushes out the meeting room, accidentally bumping his hip against the corner of the table along the way.

Ken can hear Stell and Josh’s stifled laughter. He’s going to punch them later.

He rushes to the restroom and immediately turns the tap on to the coldest setting. He splashes his face with cold water to calm himself and his racing heart down. Of all the memories he could encounter during a meeting, it had to be something in that nature. He shakes his head in embarrassment. Not that it was embarrassing, they were a couple after all. But couldn’t it be something about their break up instead? The world likes to screw with him, he thinks.

After that talk with Stell, Ken has gotten even more memories coming back to him in the past week. Some come in the form of dreams, sometimes Ken feels himself disconnect with the situation in front of him and he just zones out. He doesn’t know how to feel because he’s happy some memories are coming back, but at the same time, he gets so confused and he loses concentration. He plans on bringing it up in therapy later in the week. Especially after a memory like this recent one.

“Ken?”

Ito naman, ‘Di marunong makisama.

Ken shakes his previous thoughts away before responding. “Oh?”

“Sorry, just really making sure. Okay ka lang talaga? Gusto mo na ba umuwi? ‘Wag nalang tayo mag dinner.” Justin says without pause from the other side of the door.

No! Ken needs to talk to him. That’s exactly why he invited him out tonight.

Ken opens the door from the restroom and makes an effort not to meet Justin’s eyes. “Okay lang talaga ako, Jah.” He mumbles. “Zoned out a bit.”

“That’s been happening a lot lately.” Justin tilts his head towards Ken in curiosity. “May kinalaman ba ‘to sa recovery mo?”

Ken sighs in defeat. “Ayaw nalang tanggapin ang sagot kong okay lang eh.”

Justin smiles at him sheepishly. “Sorry. Nag research ako about amnesia recovery, zoning out, flashbacks, headaches, common daw ang mga ‘yon eh.”

“Nag research ka?” Ken squints his eyes at Justin.

The younger boy shrugs but Ken notices his cheeks redden. “’Di naman masyado. Curious lang ako at,” he looks down at his feet. “Gusto ko makatulong kung mahirap para sa’yo.”

Ken almost doesn’t hear the last sentence because of how quiet Justin got. He tries not to hope for anything beyond rebuilding friendship with Justin but it’s hard when this guy does these things. The world hates him, for sure.

“Thank you.” Ken says instead of voicing out his true emotions. “I appreciate it, Jah.”

Justin smiles at him. “You’ll get through this, Ken.” He squeezes Ken’s shoulder. “So ‘yun nga? Sa recovery ba?”

“That’s why I wanted to have dinner with you, actually.” Ken starts. “May mga tanong sana ako kasi I’ve been getting flashbacks of the past, Jah.”

“Past?” Justin repeats. “Before the accident? The two years?”

“Some of them—,” Ken cuts himself off when he realises that he did get an important memory the other day. “..Blue.”

Justin frowns, his face growing more confused. “Ha?”

“Blue ‘yung kotse na nakabangga sa grab na sinasakyan ko, diba?” Ken explains further.

“sh*t.” Justin’s eyes go wide. “Ken, do you remember it?”

Ken bites his lip. “So, dinner?”

Justin nods. “Kunin ko things natin.”

“Jah,” Ken calls after him before he could go far. “May mga tanong din sana ako na ‘di tungkol sa aksidente.”

Justin turns to him with an eyebrow raise. “Hmm?”

“Tungkol sa’tin.” Ken finally says out loud. “Pwede kang humindi, pero I hope you don’t.”

Ken knows Justin is debating with himself with the look on his face.

Please, Jah. Maybe this is what we need.

“Okay.” Justin says after a moment of silence. “Okay, we’ll talk.”

Ken gives him a grateful smile before he follows after Justin to get their things.

Chapter 12: I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best

Chapter Text

“Grabe naman pala ‘yung ulan at traffic.”

Ken sighs as he flops down beside Justin on the couch inside his condo unit. They ended up getting take out from a restaurant near the studio since the weather didn’t really let up tonight.

“Sorry.” Ken closes his eyes in frustration.

“Bakit? ‘Di naman ikaw ‘yung in control ng panahon,” Justin turns to him, leaning his head on the head rest of the couch. “And at least dito makapag-usap tayo ng maayos.”

Ken opens his eyes and turns to face Justin. “I guess.”

Justin gives him an encouraging smile. “And first time ko rin dito sa unit mo. It suits you.”

“Bakit? Maliit?”

Justin chuckles lightly. “Malinis. Organized rin, buti nakaya mo.”

“Hoy!” Ken squawks. “I have always been neat.”

“Sige, sabi mo eh.”

Ken squints at him. “Talaga.”

“Oo na nga.” Justin smiles at him teasingly.

Ken takes the opportunity to appreciate Justin sitting comfortable on his couch. He looks comfortable and at peace. It means the world to Ken that they’ve reached a point where they can be in each other’s presence now without it being awkward.

But then he sees Justin shift in his position and look at Ken. “Gusto mo na ba mag-usap?”

Ken takes a deep breath. “What if ayaw ko na?’ He bites his lip. “I’m scared.” He told Justin while they were eating about his flashbacks and how he’s so confused. Justin promised to tell him the whole truth.

“Then we won’t.” Justin says. “Laro nalang tayo, may switch ka diba?”

Ken lets out a laugh. “Talaga? Okay lang sa’yo?”

Justin shrugs. “I’m letting you decide in these things, Ken. I’ll answer what I can, but only if you want to know.”

“Thank you.” Ken says, genuinely grateful for Justin’s patience. He lets out a shaky breath before speaking again. “Can you tell me about our, um, ‘yung—”

“Our break up?” Justin finishes for him.

Ken nods slowly as he bites his lip in anticipation. “Okay lang ba?”

Justin sighs, a look of sadness takes over his face that he tries to hide but Ken knows those eyes. “I mean, if you think it’s for the best.”

“I just,” Ken starts. “ I think in order for me to move on from all of this, kailangan ko muna malaman what I’m moving on from.”

“Okay.”

Ken holds his breath as he sees Justin sit himself properly before looking away from Ken. It’s his turn to take a deep breath before he speaks.

“The night before we broke up,” Justin starts. “Gusto mo makipag-usap.”

Ken shifts in his position to move closer to Justin. His heart races as he continues to listen.

“Pero pagod ako.” Justin continues. “Sunod sunod ang ganap natin, and I was exhausted at our schedule. We all were. Maaga ‘yung call time natin, late ‘yung uwi.”

Ken sees Justin swallow as he pauses. He can see the younger boy gathering up the courage to talk about this with Ken and he’s so grateful but he also feels sad.

“Sabi ko ‘wag muna ngayon,” Justin lets out a sad laugh. “Kung alam ko lang na the next conversation we’d have was us breaking up, maybe I wouldn’t have said that.”

Ken looks down at the floor. “Anong—anong nangyari?”

“Hindi mo ako pinilit.” Justin rests his head on the headrest as he looks up to the ceiling. “Sabi mo okay lang, mag ingat akong umuwi.”

“I went home that night so exhausted na ‘di na nga kita na text na nakauwi na ako.”

Ken doesn’t respond as he hears the guilt in Justin’s voice.

Ken <3

Nakatulog ka ata agad.

I love you so much, Jah. Good night.

Justin sits up in a haste when he realizes that he slept in yesterday’s clothing. When he got home, he was so exhausted he didn’t even get to clean up after himself.

He groans, disgusted with himself as he never likes using outdoor clothing in the bedroom. He didn’t even get to text Ken last night after ditching his requests for talking. Lately, they’ve been so busy with their schedules that they barely get to spend time together as a couple.

Ken <3

Hi. Sorry, nakatulog ako agad kagabi.

Kita tayo mamaya?

I love you!

Justin placed his phone on his bedside table and decided to take an overdue shower.

Ken <3

Punta ako dyan mamayang gabi. We need to talk.

Justin sends a message of agreement to Ken and went about his day slowly. He’s thankful for a day off and some time alone. He found himself lounging about in his condo unit, playing mobile games and drawing.

When 6pm came, he decided to go to the nearby fried chicken place for dinner as Ken was coming over. This was their favourite hidden gem around his area, he was already a usual to the owners and workers.

He got the food and went back to his unit to cook rice and prepared the table.

The doorbell to his unit alerts him that someone is at his door. His brows furrow, wondering who it was since Ken had a spare key and would usually just enter his place without knocking.

Justin makes his way to the door and peeks at the peephole to see who was there. Surprised to find that it was his boyfriend.

“Unang kita ko pa lang sa’yo sa gabing ‘yon, may nararamdaman na akong kakaiba.” Justin explains. “There was something in your eyes.”

Ken looks at him confusedly. “Did you expect us to break up?”

Justin lets out a small chuckle. “Hindi eh, I didn’t know what to expect when you came that night, pero sigurado akong hindi ‘yon break up.”

“Ba’t di ka pumasok agad? Nag order ako sa kanila Tita Leah, kain muna tayo. Kumain ka na ba?”

Ken just stares at Justin. Justin sees that his eyes run through every corner of his face, he sees Ken fidget with his hands like he doesn’t know what to do with them as he is staring.

“Ken?”

That snaps Ken out of his reverie and he shakes his head. “Ah, ‘di rin ako magtagal, Jah.”

“Ha?” Justin looks at him confusedly. “What do you mean?” His heart starts to race as he sees Ken bite his lip and head to the living area. Justin ends up following. “Ken?”

Ken stares blankly at nothing and Justin sees him take deep, slow breaths. Like he’s trying to calm himself down. Justin starts to worry.

“Ken? Pinakaba mo naman ako eh.”

Ken turns to Justin with watery eyes and he rubs at them immediately to hide it from the younger boy.

“Love? Anong nangyari?” Justin moves to sit beside him on the couch but Ken speaks before he could ask further.

“Pagod na tayo, Jah.”

Justin was stunned in silence at Ken’s words. A mixture of confusion, fear, and pain washed over him as he felt the gravity of the situation.

“H-ha?”

Ken closes his eyes and takes a deep breath again before he chokes out, barely audible. “We’re tired, Jah.”

“Of work?” Justin says stupidly. This is not happening. No.

Ken bites his trembling lip, Justin sees him swallow before opening his eyes to look at Justin. “Please. Don’t make this harder for both of us.”

“Ken—”

“Hindi na healthy.” Ken cuts him off. “We haven’t been—It’s been too much na, Jah.”

Justin shakes his head, tears already flowing from his eyes. “Anong ibig mong sabihin?” He takes one of Ken’s hands in his and squeezes. “Love, ‘wag ka nga mag joke ng ganito. Please. Hindi funny.”

Ken shakes his head and looks away from Justin. Like he can’t bear seeing him cry. As if he’s not the one giving him a reason to. “Jah, I would never joke about something like this.”

“Saan ba ‘to galing?” Justin asks desperately, his voice cracking all over. “Anong nangyari? I’m s-so, confused, Ken.”

Ken wipes at his eyes, still not looking at Justin. “Jah, pagod ka na. Aminin mo, matagal ka na ring pagod.”

“Kung pagod edi magpahinga!” Justin exclaims, he doesn’t care is he’s sobbing now, he can feel his heart breaking into pieces at every new sentence Ken speaks. “Magpahinga lang, ano ‘tong sinasabi mo?”

Ken finally turns to Justin and takes his other hand. He tries to put on a brave face but Justin sees the redness and swelling around his eyes, the sniffles, the shaking hands. “Jah, this is the best decision for us. Bago pa tayo magkasakitan—”

“Ba’t ikaw lang nag desisyon?” Justin protests. “Us nga diba? Tayo? Ba’t ikaw lang nag decision? Ha?”

Ken couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks at Justin’s cries. He hates it when he cries. Hates it all the more that he is the reason this time. He takes a deep breath and squeezes Justin’s hands tightly. Like it was the only thing keeping him from cracking and breaking down at any moment.

Ken cups Justin’s cheeks and stares into his eyes. Justin stares right back, tears still rapidly flowing from his eyes as he sees Ken shake his head slightly. He sees the older boy gasp out another shaky breath before feeling his lips on his own forehead.

Ken’s lips linger. A minute, maybe two. Both their sobs and sniffles echo in the unit before Ken pulls away. He takes both Justin’s hands again in his and places lingering kisses on them before standing up.

“Saan ka pupunta? Ken—”

“I have to go.” Ken cuts Justin off. “I have to go, Jah. I’m sorry.”

“Ken, please. Love, please.” Justin begs. “Don’t do this.”

Ken looks at Justin and lets out a sob. “Ingatan mo sarili mo. I’m so sorry.”

Justin sighs at the memory. He feels a pang in his heart as he recalls that night.

“Did—did you try to—” Ken asks, voice unsure.

Justin smiles at him. “Every day after.” He sniffs. “I tried to talk to you every day after, pero ayaw mo na talaga.”

Ken puts a hand over his mouth to stifle a sob. He wipes at his eyes profusely as he takes Justin’s hand. “I never gave you an answer.”

“Pretty sh*tty of you, honestly.” Justin says, no malice in his tone, just genuine thoughts. “Gets ko naman kung hindi mo na ako mahal, pero ‘yung walang further explanation, ‘yung sinabi mo pagod lang, that was—that was hard. Kasi pagod rin naman ako, but—loving you outweighed it, you know?”

“I’m so sorry.” Ken breathes out. “I am so, so sorry, Jah.”

Justin takes one of his hands and squeezes. “Hey, we’re here now. I’ve made peace with it.” He rubs a thumb over the back of Ken’s hand. “Matagal na kitang pinatawad. Sana mapatawad mo rin ako.”

Ken nods slowly. “Where do we go from here then?”

Justin smiles at him, and Ken notices how much brighter it is. “Up siguro.”

“Don’t quote our songs to me.” Ken pouts but he can’t help but laugh. He just found out how he and Justin broke up and is still confused as to why it happened but he feels much lighter. Like a weight was removed from his shoulders.

Justin bumps Ken’s shoulder with his as he moves closer to him. “So, pwede na ba tayo mag start over?”

Ken side eyes him but smiles anyway. “I still want to know what my though process was at that time but I guess knowing you’ve made peace with it gives me peace too.”

“Sige na, hug na.” Justin opens his arms out to him.

“Medyo awkward naman nito,”

“Oa, sige na!”

Ken laughs before wrapping his arms around Justin and hugs him. It’s the type of hug that fills something that was once empty in Ken. Maybe he won’t have all the answers anymore. But that’s fine. What matters is here and now. If he had to lose some of his memories to have Justin again then maybe he didn’t lose anything at all.

“Sige na, please?” Ken whines.

Justin rolls his eyes but starts strumming Ken’s guitar slowly. He isn’t good at it but Ken has encouraged him to play for the past hour already. The rain still wasn’t letting up and they decided to wait until it either slows down or stops before he would go home.

Balang-araw ay kakayanin ko
Makita na ikaw ay wala na sa 'king piling

Ken smiles at Justin encouragingly as he gestures for him to continue playing.

Ako ay pipikit, hihinga nang malalim
Sa huli ay bibitaw

“Okay naman ah? Sino nagturo sa’yo?” Ken asks as Justin continues to strum.

Justin stops playing and looks at Ken in doubt. “Si Pablo, pero very basic lang alam ko oy,”

“Still,” Ken insists. “You’re trying, deserve pa rin purihin.”

“Oo na, thank you na.” Justin waves Ken off.

Ken pokes Justin’s side which has him squirming.

“Magtigil ha, pag mahulog ‘tong gitara mo talaga” Justin warns.

Ken just laughs and continues to poke Justin’s side, having the younger boy in a fit of giggles.

“Stop it na!” Justin dodges Ken’s pokes while keeping the guitar at a safe hold. “Ay, si Ken talaga! Tingnan mo”

‘Oh, ba’t kasalanan ko? Linisin mo ‘yan oy,” Ken teases when he sees that Justin knocked over the bag of chips between them to the floor.

Justin pouts and hands Ken his guitar. “Bwisit ka, saan ba ‘yung vacuum mo?”

Ken strums the guitar in his hands. “Sa storage, second door to the left from the restroom.”

“At nangutos na nga,” Justin grumbles. “Wait.”

Justin heads to Ken’s storage closet to retrieve the vacuum, just like Ken, he also hates a mess.

He scans the closet for the vacuum but something else catches his eye. Placed on one of the top shelves, gathering dust, is a box with Justin’s name written on top.

Justin curiously takes the box in his hand while carrying the vacuum in another. He goes back to the living area and places the box on the coffee table. “Ano ‘to?”

Ken stops playing the guitar and looks at what Justin dropped. “Ano ‘yan?”

Justin snorts before cleaning up the mess as he sees Ken place the guitar down on the recliner and inspects the box. “Huh, I’ve never seen this before.”

“Baka gamit ko dati.” Justin says when he finishes cleaning. He sits beside Ken and peeks at the box. “Do you want to open it?”

Ken shrugs. “Lubusin na natin ang pagbisita kay memory lane, I guess.”

Justin snorts before he pulls at the tape around the box. “Grabe ha, ilang layer na ba ng alikabok ‘to.”

“Lah, malay ko ba na andyan ‘yan. ‘Di ko inexplore ‘yung storage ko, okay.”

When Justin finally get the box open, he finds that he was right when he saw their old polaroid photos and a few of his stuff that he left in Ken’s old condo.

“Oh my god,” Justin picks a photo up. “Tingnan mo pisngi mo dito!” He shows one photo to Ken, something from around 2019 where they both have their cheeks smooshed together.

Ken laughs, while his heart aches at the photo, he finds himself smiling despite it. They were so happy.

“Awee,” Justin chuckles. “Look, first anniversary natin.”

Ken makes a face. “Mukha kang ewan.”

“Excuse me, wala pa tayong pera niyan, ayaw mo rin naman magpalibre.”

“Manglibre ka sakin sa anniversary natin tas pera ng magulang mo, nakakahiya” Ken laughs.

“Kailan ‘to?” Ken points at a photo that isn’t familiar to him. He shows Justin a photo him with kissing Justin’s cheek.

“Birthday mo, 2022.” Justin says, but there’s something in his voice. “A few weeks before tayo naghiwalay.”

Ken sucks in a breath.

“Sorry, sinabi ko lang to explain ba’t siguro ‘di mo maalala.”

Justin continues to rummage around the box and finds that it’s filled with so many of their memories. He feels choked up but tries to mask it as he doesn’t want to make things weird anymore. Their night has been light so far, considering they talked about heavy things, he didn’t want to make it sad.

“Andito lang pala ‘to.” Justin takes out a sketchpad. It’s one of his favourite sketch pads he’s had, mainly because it was filled with doodles and drawings of Ken. Some of them just drawn by Justin, and others Ken finished or filled in with colours. It was something else they both shared, the love for art.

Ken smiles as Justin flips through the pages of the pad. “Nag draw ka pa rin ba ngayon?”

“Syempre.” Justin smiles. “Swerte rin ako sa visar, nashare ko na rin to others ‘yung mga gawa ko.”

“I’m proud of you.” Ken says sincerely. “Ang tagal mo nang gusto gawin ‘yan, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Justin puts a hand on his heart. “Thank you, Ken.”

They smile at each other for a moment—the weight of the memories heavy as they envelop the room. Ken stares at Justin, not realizing that he has shifted closer to the boy while sharing what they found in the box.

Justin’s eyes run across Ken’s face, from his eyes to his nose, to his mouth, then back to his eyes. He swallows nothing before turning his eyes on the box again. Something catches his eye.

“Ano ‘yan?”

Ken’s brows furrow as he spots what Justin is referring to. “’Di ko rin alam.”

Justin takes a folded-up paper with his name written on one flap. He sees that there are multiple versions of the paper stacked below the sketchpad from earlier. “Letters ba ‘to? ‘Di ko maalalang sinulatan mo ako ah.”

“O baka letters galing sa’yo?” Ken teases. “Ikaw naman ‘yung secret softie eh.”

“Heh.”

Justin rolls his eyes before opening one of the letters.

He feels as if his heart stopped as his hands shake when he sees that it was dated.

It was the day before they broke up.

January 25, 2022

Hi.

I tried talking to you today. A last of my futile attempts of stalling losing you.

Pero siguro it's for the best na hindi, baka mag back out pa ako.

Sobrang takot ako, Jah. Sobrang sakit isipin na malapit ka nang mawala sa akin.

Ang sakit. Ang sakit talaga. The pain is almost tangible. But I see that you’re tired. You’re exhausted, my love. And I know you would never leave me because I let you promise. And you love me so much that you would die first before you would break it.

So I hope you can forgive me for breaking it for you.

Sinabihan ako na pinatawag ka na naman today, Pinipressure ka na naman daw nila na bilisan ang mga output, at pinagsabihan ka nanaman nila tungkol sa’tin. Pinapakita ka nanaman ng negative responses towards us. Towards me.

I love you. I love you so much, Jah. It hurts seeing you in pain. It hurts seeing you hide it from me para ‘di tayo mag aaway at para 'di ako mag worry.

I could be wrong. This could probably be the biggest mistake of my life, but it feels like the only thing I could do to protect you at this point.

I am comforted in knowing that you are one of the most beautiful people that has ever lived on this earth, and that someday, it will be so easy for someone to love you right. They'd be stupid not to.

That one day, you'll find a love that is easy. A love that brings you peace. ‘Yun lang ‘yung pinaghahawakan ko. Kahit hindi ako 'yung kasama.

As for me, you’ve taught me what love is. If ever I do find love again, I’m sorry but it will only fall short to the love we had.

I hope you can forgive me one day. Forgive me for doing what I’m about to do.

Never mo ‘tong mababasa, but I’m writing it anyway since there is no other place these words can be said.

I love you, my Justin. Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Patawarin mo ako.

Sa’yo lang,
Ken

Chapter 13: Would it be enough?

Chapter Text

The ringing in Ken’s ears is reminiscent to the deafening sound he heard when he found out that Justin was lying to him after the accident.

His vision blurs as the tears continue to build up after Justin goes through each of the letters quietly. Birthdays, anniversaries, song releases, tours, breaks—it was as if Ken wrote to Justin every time he wanted to speak to him but couldn’t. Some letters were lengthy with explanations and rants while others were simply short sentences of “I miss you” and “I wish I could talk to you” and worse, “I hate this, I want to have you back.”

Ken doesn’t know what hurts more. “Say something.”

Justin stares blankly ahead, one of the letters in his hands. Tears are steadily streaming down his face but he makes no sound.

“Jah, please.”

Justin turns to him. Ken’s heart breaks further at the look in his eyes. “Every time I think wala na sigurong tatapat sa nangyari sa’tin, I’m proven wrong.”

“Justin,” Ken croaks out. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” Justin chuckles humourlessly. “Walking away? For taking away my right to make decisions about our—our, relationship?”

Ken feels small at Justin’s tone.

“Or for being a hypocrite? Aba, wala talagang makakasira sa’tin noon, Ken, kasi inunahan mo na.”

“Wait, please, Jah, makinig ka muna, it all makes sense—”

“I’m furious!” Justin slaps a hand on the table. “Ano? Founding out you loved me all this time makes everything okay ba? Dapat ba sumigaw ako sa tuwa, Ken?”

Ken drops his head and takes a deep breath. He’s trying to extend his patience because he knows this is a lot to take in for Justin.

But he hopes Justin understands that it’s a lot to take in for him too.

“And what’s worse?” Justin scoffs. “I’m guilty for putting that look on your face right now because you don’t even remember making this decision.”

“Justin.” Ken pleads. “I’m sorry. But I don’t have to remember! This,” He waves a hand over the letters, “as f*cked up as this is? It’s the only thing that makes sense! I didn’t stop loving you!”

Ken covers his face with his hands and sobs into them. He can’t look at Justin right now as both guilt and relief is all he feels.

After a few moments, he hears the younger boy let out sob before two arms wrap around him and pull him against a very familiar chest.

It only makes him cry harder.

“Sorry.” Justin says, voice gentler now. “Sorry, nagulat ako.”

Ken shakes his head against Justin’s chest. Everything said earlier was deserved. Justin’s feelings are valid. But so are his, damn it.

“I know.” Justin rubs a hand across Ken’s back. “I’m sorry. Mabigat din ‘to sa’yo. I’m sorry.”

Ken looks up at him sniffling. He didn’t realise he was speaking out loud. “Kilala mo ako, alam mo kung gaano kita ka mahal. If I had any other choice…” He trails off, not knowing what to say next. He doesn’t remember how hard it was back then.

Justin sighs and pulls away from Ken before nodding. “You’re stubborn, ‘di ka mapipilit gawin ang isang bagay pag sa tingin mo mali, or if you have any other option you think is better.”

“Which means—”

“Means you probably thought you had no choice.” Justin finishes.

Ken wipes at his eyes before looking at Justin. “What now?”

Justin looks back at him and purses his lip. “Honestly? ‘Di ko na rin alam.” He lets out a sarcastic laugh. “I should be happy. I already have an answer to the one thing that has stopped me from moving on,”

Ken plays with his fingers as he continues to listen to Justin.

“Instead I feel like sh*t.” Justin shakes his head. “You went through all of that alone. I spent two years going from hurt, to angry, to resentful, to accepting, I went through the entire process, thinking I was the one carrying the heavier load of the break up.”

“Jah, pinili ko ‘yon.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Justin cries. “I should’ve known better. I should’ve called you out on your bullsh*t, I should have known.”

“From the looks of it, I did all I can to stop you from knowing.” Ken explains. “I kept my distance, made new friends, I didn’t tell anyone! Jah, you can’t beat yourself up over something I chose to let you believe.”

“I just feel like I’m not doing enough for him.” Ken rubs at his eyes in frustration in their old dance studio.

Pablo looks up at Ken from writing. “For?”

“Jah.” Ken looks at Pablo helplessly. “Feeling ko sinarili niya lang ang mga problema namin.”

“Oh, then why don’t you talk to him?” Pablo drops his pen and clasps his hands. He looks at Ken curiously. “Best friends naman kayo bago naging kayo, ‘di ba? What’s stopping you from talking now?”

Ken groans as he throws himself beside Pablo on the couch. “It’s hard getting through to him lately, ayaw niya ng away.”

“Edi ‘wag kang makipag away?” Pablo raises an eyebrow. “Welcome to the realities of a relationship, Felip Jhon. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies.”

“Ha-ha.” Ken rolls his eyes. “I know, I’m just—”

“No one knows Justin as intimately as you do.” Pablo cuts him off. “Alam mo nga siguro ‘yung utot niya tunog pa lang.”

Ken grimaces. “Dugyot mo.”

“I’m just saying!” Pablo laughs. “You know him. And he knows you.” He shrugs.” Talk about it, address the problem, process it together, compromise, consider boundaries, all part of being in a relationship, Ken.”

Ken takes a deep breath. “Ayaw ko lang siyang mapagod sa’kin.”

“It’s because you love him.” Pablo smiles at Ken encouragingly. “You should be telling that to him instead of me.”

Ken awakens from a dreamless slumber in a start. He sits up from the bed and immediately panics as he remembers what happened last night. He shoves the covers away in a haste and rushes to the living room where he finds Justin sipping coffee.

“You’re still here.”

Justin looks up from the couch and gives him a small smile. “Couldn’t sleep so much. Tumigil na ‘yung ulan pero ayaw ko namang iwan ka nang walang pasabi.”

“Anong oras na?” Ken asks worriedly. If Justin hasn’t slept, he knows it’s because of the revelations last night.

“6:30 pa lang ata.” Justin says. “Nakatulog ako mga 2 hours lang, comfy naman ‘yung couch.”

Ken looks at Justin guiltily.

“Don’t be sorry.” Justin speaks, as if reading his mind. “Choice ko mag stay, at ‘di rin talaga ako makatulog ng maayos. Not until I talk to you, at least.”

“Na drain ata ako kagabi.” Ken says. “I told you to take the guest room.”

“I was fine.”

Silence. It’s deafening. It’s eating away at Ken.

“Upo ka.” Justin gestures to the space beside him. “Usap tayo, please?”

Ken slowly moves toward the couch and takes a seat beside Justin. “Okay.”

Justin takes a deep breath and places his cup of coffee on the table. He looks at Ken with tired eyes but he has a look of what seems like peacefulness in him.

“Again, sorry sa unang reaction ko kagabi.”

“Jah,” Ken says softly.

Justin sighs. “Ken.”

Ken looks at him and he sees a look of determination in Justin’s eyes.

“I owe you many sorrys.” Justin explains. “And you owe me some too.” He continues when he sees Ken about to protest.

Ken nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Wait,” Justin holds a hand out. “Gusto ko sabihin sa’yo lahat, Ken. Everything I didn’t get to say before.”

Ken stares at him for a moment before nodding slowly. “Okay.”

Justin smiles at him gratefully. “Sorry. Sorry for not talking to you about what I was going through before. Sorry dahil tinago ko sa’yo ang fears at worries ko,” He takes a deep breath. “Sorry na sinarili ko ang mga problema na dapat sana natin hinarap na magkasama.”

Ken sucks in a breath as he feels himself choking up. Good Lord, he thinks he’s cried more the past two months than all of his 27 years combined.

“It was hypocritical of me to be mad at you for making decisions about our relationship when I was doing the same.” Justin looks at him apologetically. “I’m sorry I acted like I was protecting you from getting hurt when I was the one doing the most damage when I hid things from you.”

Ken wipes away some tears that has rolled down his cheeks as he listens. He looks away from Justin and busies himself with focusing on the turned off TV instead.

“Sorry, because I focused on my pain so much when we broke up, I didn’t think about the fact that you must’ve been hurting too.”

That breaks something in Ken because tears suddenly fall faster from his eyes. He sniffs but doesn’t speak as to let Justin continue talking.

“But,” Justin lets out a shaky breath. “I’m not sorry for how much I’ve grown since we broke up.”

This time, Ken looks at Justin curiously.

“I learned that I could write songs pala.” Justin gives him a small smile. “You always told me to try before pero sabi ko sa’yo na ‘di ako articulate enough.”

Ken smiles at him tearfully. “I always knew you could.”

Justin reaches out to wipe at Ken’s cheeks. “Natuto rin akong mag guitar.” He laughs. “Pablo isn’t as patient as you, but I can now play some songs. Left-handed guitarist, present!”

Ken chuckles a bit and nods. “Sabi ko sa’yo eh.”

“And I can cook more than eggs na.” Justin actually looks like this is the statement he’s most proud of. “Hello, marunong na akong mag sinigang!”

Ken actually laughs along with Justin this time.

Justin smiles at him, a bit sad, a lot genuine. “And you,”

Ken looks at him curiously. “What about me?”

“You’ve grown so much too.” Justin looks at him, a look of wonder in his eyes. “You’ve met so many different people. You’ve written millions of songs—”

“Millions?”

“Oh sige, exagge lang, ito naman, ayaw nalang tanggapin.” Justin rolls his eyes.

Ken laughs and lightly punches Justin’s arm. “Ewan ko sa’yo.”

“I’m saying,” Justin continues, for a second, a look of sadness crosses his face. “K-kahit di ako nakawitness ng malapitan, it was still nice seeing you grow too. You’ve come out of your shell, tried new things.”

“So hindi in vain ‘yung hiwalayan,” Ken says, voice small.

Justin smiles at Ken. His eyes are teary but it doesn’t look as heavy anymore. “The past two years have been the most painful, trying years I’ve had in my life.” He takes one of Ken’s hands. “We started SB19 na hindi pa tayo noon pero noong nag jump start ang career natin, mahal na kita.”

Ken nods in agreement.

“Kaya I didn’t know how to be SB19 Justin that didn’t love SB19 Ken.” Justin laughs a bit at his word usage. “I had to learn to just be SB19 Justin. To just be Justin.”

Justin squeezes his hand. “And I found that he’s an okay guy. I like him.”

Ken laughs. “Is just Ken okay too?”

Justin shakes his head teasingly. “SB19 Ken tas Felip kasi. Ano ba.”

“Seryoso!” Ken squeezes Justin’s hand tight. “Is he okay?”

“He’s amazing.” Justin smiles. “And—and I can’t wait ‘til you remember him too.”

Ken takes a deep breath and pulls his hand along with Justin’s to his cheek. “ Do you think I’ll remember him?”

“You will.” Justin says, seriously. “And if you don’t, he will find a way back to you.”

“Will you?’ Ken bites his lip. “Will you find a way back to me?”

Justin takes Ken’s other hand and moves closer to the older boy. He squeezes both hands and Ken feels like it’s his heart that’s being squeezed right now.

“What if,” Justin’s voice cracks. “What if this time we focus on ourselves muna, Ken?”

Ken feels Justin rub circles around the hands he’s holding.

“Maybe that’s where we went wrong before.” Justin explains. “We loved each other all out, bigay nang bigay—”

“What’s the point of loving if you’re not giving it your all?” Ken can’t help but cut him off. “I regret a lot of things, Jah. But I don’t regret loving you the way I did.”

“I know.” Justin brings their hands to his chest. “ I know, Ken. I think the same.”

Ken almost pulls his hands away in confusion but Justin holds them tighter.

“But—” Justin clears his throat. “But maybe in the journey of loving each other, we lost too much of ourselves. All I thought about was you when things got hard, I forgot that I was part of the relationship too.”

Ken looks down at their hands and nods.

“My mind always went ‘masasaktan si Ken’ ‘mastress si Ken’ ‘paano na si Ken’ but never ‘paano kami’, ‘paano namin malalagpasan’ ‘to.”Justin bites his lip. “And you were hurting when we broke up but all you thought about was me too, ‘di ba?”

Ken lets out a defeated breath as he nods. He doesn’t remember all the details, but he knows this to be true. All he thought about at that time was Justin. Nothing else mattered. Not even himself. “So you’re saying we have to let us go.”

Justin lets go of one of Ken’s hands to gently turn Ken’s face with his chin to look at him. “I don’t know what tomorrow holds. Or kung ano ba ang magbago in the next weeks, months, or years.”

Ken reaches out to wipe a tear that has fallen from Justin’s eyes.

Justin looks at him gratefully. “But after everything we’ve been through, I’d like to think that what’s meant to be will find a way back to us at the right time.”

“We just have to focus on ourselves first.” Ken says as he nods. It’s scary but he knows Justin is right. “Thank you.”

“Thank you.” Justin closes the gap between them and pulls Ken in one of the tightest, warmest hugs he’s felt in a while. “Thank you.”

I love you.

Ken doesn’t say it out loud. He thinks Justin already knows.

Chapter 14: But the rain is always gonna come

Chapter Text

One year later…

Stell bumps his shoulder against Ken as they stand in front of the mirror in their studio. “You look happy.”

Ken looks at his best friend through the mirror. “Hmm, I am.” He takes a deep breath. “Masaya naman ako. Really.”

“Okay? Are you convincing me or you?”

Ken rolls his eyes. “Wala akong kino-convince. I’m just stating.”

Stell looks at him teasingly. “Pero may kulang noh?”

“Shut the f*ck up.”

Stell cackles as Ken walks away from him and the mirror, heading to the couch. “What? Totoo naman. Kitang-kita pa rin sa mga tingin.”

Ken’s eyes drift from Stell to the other boy across their studio talking to Pablo and their manager.

“Kinausap mo ba siya?”

“Nag-uusap naman kami ah.” Ken turns to Stell. “We’re at a really good place. We’re friends.”

“And okay lang sa’yo ‘yan? Na friends lang?”

Ken looks down at the floor and stays silent for a moment. “Okay naman.” He starts. “I had a good year reflecting on everything that happened. I’m still alive. I still have regular therapy sessions. I reconnected with the friends I made before the accident, I’m making new music, getting to work with other people. I’m happy being in SB19, I have you all. I have my family.”

Stell looks at him pointedly, implying for him to continue.

“I gained most of my memories back.” Ken smiles at Stell genuinely. “Nakabawi ako sa’yo.”

“Correction, patuloy ka pang bumabawi.”

Ken rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m saying, I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago. I’m grateful.”

“Siya nalang kulang.”

Before Ken could answer, the pair are caught off guard by Josh throwing himself between the two on the couch. “Hi, friends.”

His body is sat between Ken and Stell’s laps causing both to groan and attempt to push him off.

“Josh!”

“I swear to God, if you don’t get off me right now,”

Josh immediately shuffles and scooches his way in between Ken and Stell. “Anong pinag-usapan niyo? Sali.”

Stell side eyes Josh in annoyance. “Usapang best friend ‘to. ‘Di ka kasali.”

“Hoy! Isa rin akong best friend.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, kanino unang sumama si Ken alone when he found out that—”

“Blinackmail mo siya noon! ‘Di ‘yon counted!”

Josh makes an noise of indignation. “Blackmail? Nag ig story siya!”

“Sabi niya pinilit mo ‘yon, specifically to spite me!”

Ken groans at their bickering. “Tumahimik nga kayo.”

“Ano ba kasi ‘yung chika?” Josh asks. “Seryoso, parang juicy.”

“Pinag-usapan namin kung anong kulang sa buhay ni Ken ngayon,”

Ken shakes his head quickly as Josh grins. “Ah.”

“Ah, indeed.” Stell chuckles.

“Oh ngayon magkakampi naman kayo?” Ken exclaims. “Tigilan niyo ako, wala ba kayong love life?”

Josh laughs. “So you admit it? Love life ang kulang sa’yo ngayon?”

Ken feels his cheeks warm as Stell and Josh high five in agreement. He grabs a throw pillow and throws it on Stell’s face

“Aray!” Stell shouts. “Pablo oh!”

“Pablo! Si Stell at Josh!”

“Wala akong ginawa, Pablo!”

Pablo who is across the room from them raises his head to give them an annoyed look. “Hoy! Magtigil kayo ha, isasali ko talaga kayong tatlo sa discussion na ‘to kung ‘di kayo tumahimik dyan.”

All three of them end up sitting straight at the threat. They’re talking about finances and logistics in that area and to be frank, that’s the part of their meetings they hate the most. Pablo can’t avoid it as he is CEO, and Justin is, well, Justin.

Speaking of the boy, Ken sees him turn to their direction and give him an amused smile. He raises a brow at Ken and mouths ‘everything okay?’.

Ken can’t help the smile on his face as he shakes his head and shows him a thumbs up. He gestures to Stell and Josh with an eyeroll, making Justin’s shoulders shake in a laugh before turning back his attention on Pablo.

“Luh.” Josh teases as he pokes Ken’s side.

Ken squirms and throws a soft punch on the older boy’s arm. “Stop it.”

“Ba’t di kayo mag try ulit?”

“Oo nga, para naman kayong high school sa pacute-cute lang eh.”

Ken shushes the two. “Shut up, shut up.”

“Ang corny Ken ha.” Stell says pointedly. “You’ve spent enough time focusing on yourselves, why not try again?”

“Can we not talk about this while we’re here? Hello? Maririnig tayo?”

Josh waves a hand off the other boys’ direction. “Usapang pera ‘yan, for sure kahit magpatayan tayo dito as long as tahimik lang, wala silang pake.”

Ken lets out a laugh at that because yes, that could be true.

“Pero bakit nga, pre?” Josh continues. “May something pa eh. Ba’t ayaw mo itry?”

Ken groans and covers his face with his hands. “Naging okay buhay namin when we’re apart, at least, romantically.” He says. “Oo, at first it was hard. Looking from afar. But he’s—he’s good now. And I am too.”

Stell leans over Josh to take Ken’s hand. “You’re scared.”

“Sino bang hindi after what we went through?” Ken laughs, albeit deprecatingly. “How many times does life have to say ‘problema ‘yung dala niyo sa isa’t isa’ before we can take the hint na hindi nga siguro kami?”

Josh rubs a hand on his back comfortingly. “But what if it was life’s way of making you both grow? Think about it, you’re both much more mature now. Mas ma handle niyo na ng maayos ang mga bagay bagay.”

Stell adds on. “And you both know what to avoid na, kaya niyo na i-apply ang learnings from where you went wrong in the past.”

Ken bites his lip. “I don’t know.”

Josh sighs before giving Stell a look. “Sa bagay.” He juts out his bottom lip. “Baka nga hindi kayo para sa isa’t-isa.”

Stell nods in agreement with a smirk. “Oo nga, baka time na lang rin na maghanap ka ng iba, Ken.”

Ken looks at them both in confusion. He thought they’d try to convince him more. “Uh—”

“Meron na nga akong narinig tungkol kay Jah eh.”

“Ha?”

Stell snaps his fingers at Josh. “Uy, narinig ko rin ‘yan.”

“Ang alin?’ Ken’s brows furrow in confusion.

Josh fake coughs and Ken elbows him softly. “Speak?”

“Aray ha, ako ang may information na kailangan mo.”

“Ano kasi?” Ken pries. Now, he’s curious. Has—has Justin found someone else?

Stell interjects. “We just heard na umuwi na sa Pinas first love ni Jah.”

Ken frowns at this. Excuse you. Ken is his first love. Justin said this.

“Sino ulit ‘yon, Stell? Daniel? Devin—”

Ken cuts them off. “David?” He knows that one. Justin shared about him in the early months of their relationship when they were talking about exes and relationships before each other. Again, he was not Justin’s first love.

“Ayun!” Stell claps his hands once. “Umuwi na raw for good, mag reretire na Papa niya kaya gagamitin na niya ang international degree to take over their family business.”

“Hindi niya first love ‘yon.” Ken corrects. “Puppy love lang daw ‘yon.”

Ken didn’t catch on the smirk Josh throws at Stell. “Yeah, before. Pero nag date sila dati, months after niyo nag break, ‘di ba, Stell? Noong bumisita ‘yon nang matagalan?”

Ken’s jaw drops at this. He doesn’t remember that.

“Ay ‘di mo talaga maalala, ‘di naman sinabi sa’yo.”

“Ah.” Ken ignores the fact that he said his thoughts out loud. He can’t help the slight shortness in his tone. “I see.”

Josh bites his lip in amusem*nt. “I mean, break kayo noon, Jah said you didn’t need to know about it.”

“Of course he did,” Ken says, losing interest in the conversation already. “Good for him, then.”

“Hmmm.”

Ken glares at Josh and Stell who have barely held back grins on their faces. He rolls his eyes and leaves his space on the couch to go the restroom.

When he enters the room, he turns on the tap and splashes his face with water. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down as he didn’t notice how his heartbeat raced from the short shift in conversation.

He knows he’ll have to accept it eventually.

They said maybe they’ll find their way back to each other.

But the maybe goes both ways, they could also realise that they aren’t meant to be.

And Justin deserves to be happy.

So does Ken.

It’s going to take a little more time for him to move on but he can't expect Justin to be on the same timeline as him. He has every right to move on. After all, they already had the closure and answers they needed.

“Ken?”

Ken jumps at Justin’s voice and knocks from outside the restroom. “Jah?”

“Okay ka lang?”

Ken takes one last look at the mirror, making sure he doesn’t give off any other emotion than happy before opening the door. “Oh?”

Justin smiles at him brightly. “Inaway ka ba nila Josh? Aawayin ko sila.”

Ken lets out a soft chuckle. “Usual annoyingness lang nila. Not worth it.”

“Okay, pero sabihin mo agad sa akin!” Justin raises his hand in allegiance. “Team Ken ako.”

Ken rolls his eyes amusedly. “Salamat naman noh.”

Justin sticks his tongue out at him before laughing along.

Ken trails after him as they walk back to their common area. This will do.

“Uy, ang aga mo.”

Ken smiles at Justin before taking a seat on one of their counter stools of the studio. “Maaga akong nagising eh.”

Justin smirks. “Good for you, I’m an expert barista now. Anong order mo, the usual ba?”

“Yup. Ayusin mo ha, ‘yung matamis tas please make it in less than 3 minutes.” Ken demands.

“At dahil dyan, asin ‘yung ilalagay ko.”

Ken squawks. “Hoy!”

“Joke lang.” Justin laughs. “’Di ko sisirain reputation ko noh.”

The pair engage in playful banter before Justin finishes Ken’s latte and hands it to him.

“Well?”

Ken takes a sip from the mug and immediately closes his eyes in satisfaction as the taste of hot coffee floods his mouth. It’s just the right amount of sweetness and strength that scratches the part of Ken’s brain that’s responsible for processing flavour.

“It’s just coffee.”

Ken is snapped back to reality with Justin smiling at him amusedly. “Ha?”

“Para namang ano ‘to. But thank you for the boost of confidence. It must’ve been that good.”

“Ang sarap!” Ken encourages. “Either sobrang low ang expectations ko or full-fledged barista ka na talaga.”

Justin throws a hand towel at Ken almost causing him to spill some of the coffee on himself. “Justin!”

The other boy cackles as he catches the towel Ken throws back at him. “Oo na, thank you na.”

Ken looks at Justin fondly before he is reminded by the conversation with Josh and Stell the other day.

“Nga pala, Jah,” Ken says slowly. He gets nervous when Justin gives him his full attention. “I, uh-”

“Hmm?”

Ken sips a bit of his coffee first before speaking. “Did you, um, see other people noong nag break tayo?”

His voice comes out small but the shock in Justin’s face proves that he said it out loud.

“You don’t have to tell me. I mean, you don’t owe me anything, Jah, na bring up lang nila na nag date ka, and nacurious ako but you don’t have to answer, I—”

Justin gives him a grateful smile as he raises a hand at Ken. “It’s okay.”

Ken’s lips slam shut as he waits for Justin to continue.

“I went on a date.” Justin corrects. “I didn’t date.”

Ken gives him a doubtful look but Justin just smiles at him.

“It was a guy from high school—”

“Si David.”

Justin looks taken aback. “Bibig talaga ni Josh Cullen.”

Ken smiles a little in case Justin actually gets annoyed at Josh. “Actually, naalala ko siya, na share mo siya sa akin before. High school sweetheart mo.”

Justin cringes at the word usage but chuckles a bit. “Oo nga pala.” He looks at Ken carefully. “Nag abroad siya after high school ‘di ba? Eh umuwi after sa graduation niya noong 2022.”

Ken nods as he continues to sip his coffee.

“He was here for 2 months, I think.” Justin continues. “We saw each other a few times with high school friends, he asked me if I was single, I said yes, then he asked me out on a date.”

Ken slowly shifts in his seat, attempting to hide the movement from Justin but he sees that Justin notices.

“I thought it would help.” Justin explains. “It was seven months after our break-up, inisip ko, ‘hoy Justin, kailangan mo na talaga mag move on, ikaw nalang naiwan oh. Patuloy na ang buhay ng lahat, ikaw nalang ‘yung natira’.”

Ken swallows nothing as he looks down at the table.

“So, I went on a date.”

“Did you enjoy it?” Ken bites his tongue when he realises that he asked out loud.

Justin gives him a small smile. “I did, actually.” He runs a hand through his hair. “But I wasn’t ready. He wasn’t-well, he wasn’t you.”

Ken’s heart skipped a beat at that and Ken had to take a few deep breaths to remind himself that this was a feeling Justin felt long ago, not anymore.

“I see,” Ken says instead. “And he’s back for good?”

Justin’s eyes widen. “Grabe talaga, Stell Ajero at Josh Cullen, nangunguna sa balita. Change career na sana sila at maging newscasters.”

Ken laughs in agreement for a moment. He then asks Justin, “Are you ready now?”

Justin looks at him confusedly. “Sa alin?”

“If he’s back for good now. And he asks you out again, do you think you’d be ready now?”

Justin’s jaw drops a little at his question. He looks at Ken curiously, “I—”

“Oh my god!” Stell enters the room with a distressed look on his face. “Oh my god, Jah. Kape mo, please. Stat.”

Justin raises an eyebrow at Stell. “Anong nangyari sa’yo?”

“Not until I get my coffee. Please, iced sa’kin. Lots of ice!” Stell whines then turns to Ken. “Ken Suson, samahan mo ako sa meeting room ngayon din, kailangan ko mag debrief sa mga aroganteng driver dito sa Pilipinas!”

Ken winces as Stell stomps his way to the meeting room.

“Sundan mo na ‘yon.” Justin chuckles. “He won’t like waiting. Stall him, please? Ang daming arte ni Stell sa kape, this could take a few minutes.”

Ken nods as he moves to follow after Stell. He stops in his tracks and turns to Justin.

“By the way,” Ken approaches Justin to take his hand. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I-if, um, if you find yourself ready to date again.”

Justin tilts his head at Ken curiously. “Ha?”

Ken lets out a shaky breath and tightens the hold he has on Justin. If this was the last time, then he'll take it. “If you feel that you’re ready to let love in again.” He smiles at the younger boy. “If you find a love that you deserve and deserves you.” He runs his other hand through Justin’s hair. “Take a chance on it, and never let it go.”

Justin stares at Ken intently before nodding.

Ken gives him the brightest smile he can muster and then leaves the pantry to make his way to the meeting room.

Ken stares at the rainfall from the window sill of their studio. He’s the only one left in the place as everyone else didn’t want to deal with the traffic congestion and possible city flood if they waited too long.

Ken wanted a little time to himself though.

He liked the quiet. He always has.

“’Di ka pa umuwi.”

Ken smiles without turning to look at where the voice came from. “I wanted a few moments to myself.”

“Ay, sorry.”

Ken feels Justin’s presence move closer to him by the window. “It’s fine.”

No one speaks for a few moments, just both of them staring out the window as the rain continues to fall. It hasn’t poured hard yet. But if Ken wants to avoid the flood and traffic jams, he should leave soon.

“Bumalik ka?”

“May naiwan ako.” Justin says as they finally turn to each other.

Ken looks around. “Ano ‘yon? Tulongan na kita, hinintay ka ba ni Kuya Yani sa baba?”

Justin shakes his head and smiles at him. “’Di mo pa natikman ang sinigang ko noh?”

“Ha?” Ken looks at him confusedly. “Anong sinigang?”

“Sabi ko sa’yo. Marunong na ako magluto ng sinigang.” Justin reminds him. “Kaso, I always cooked with prawns. Eh allergic ka.”

Ken frowns at how random Justin is being. Maybe he’s craving it because of the weather? “Okay?”

Justin looks amused at his reaction. “So for the past two months, nag sinigang na baboy kami sa bahay on the weekends para ma practice ko.”

Ken’s heart seems to catch on quicker than his brain because he still looks at Justin in confusion, but his heart races.

“I feel like masarap na siya. Pero parang kailangan ko ng opinion mo,” Justin smiles at him. “What do you say to pork sinigang for dinner as a date?”

Oh.

If there was one word to describe what Ken felt as his mind and heart finally processed what was happening, it was this: peace.

Peace that he had thought he lost a long time ago.

Peace he thought he could never give, never have.

Peace he thought he’d have to learn to live without.

And yet, here it is. In all its glory.

“Kaso kailangan sa condo mo,” Justin’s voice brings him back to reality. “Ang panget naman ng date doon sa bahay namin, nandoon parents ko, mga kapatid ko, mga kuting. So, sa condo mo nalang.”

Ken feels choked up as he continues to stare at Justin.

“Ano uy?” Justin chuckles and takes one of Ken’s hands and intertwines their fingers. “Sinigang date? With me? Please?”

“Gusto ko may pritong isda.”

Justin shakes his head. “Ay, ikaw na magluto niyan, ‘di pa rin ako magaling sa mga prito prito na ‘yan.”

Ken chuckles before pulling Justin close. “Okay. Ako na sa isda.”

“Edi bilisan na natin!” Justin tries to pull away from Ken but Ken tightens his hold. “Ay, Suson. ‘Di kaya ng sportscar mo ang baha.”

Ken smiles at Justin widely before wrapping his arms around him and hiding his face in the crook of Justin’s neck. He sniffles.

“Oh?” Justin makes a sound of surprise but he hugs Ken back tightly. “It was you who said that if I found a love that I deserved and deserved me, I should take the chance.”

Ken nods against Justin as he pulls away but keeps him close.

Justin wipes away a few tears from Ken’s eyes. “This is me taking the chance again.” He cups Ken’s face and places a long kiss on his forehead. “And this time, I’m not letting go.”